Mountain Views News          Saturday, June 2, 2012

15

OPINION

 Mountain Views News Saturday June 2, 2012

STUART Tolchin..........On LIFE

HAIL Hamilton My Turn

Mountain 
Views

News

PUBLISHER/ EDITOR

Susan Henderson

CITY EDITOR

Dean Lee 

EAST VALLEY EDITOR

Joan Schmidt

SALES

Patricia Colonello

626-355-2737 

626-818-2698

PRODUCTION 

Richard Garcia

PHOTOGRAPHY

Lina Johnson

Ivonne Durant

WEBMASTER

John Aveny 

CONTRIBUTORS

Jeff Brown

Pat Birdsall

Chris Leclerc

Bob Eklund

Howard Hays

Paul Carpenter

Stuart Tolchin

Kim Clymer-Kelley

Christopher Nyerges

Peter Dills 

Hail Hamilton 

Rich Johnson

Chris Bertrand

Ron Carter

Rev. James Snyder

Bobby Eldridge

Mary Carney

La Quetta Shamblee

Katie Hopkins

Deanne Davis

Despina Arouzman

Greg Wellborn

Dr. John Talevich

Meaghan Allen

Sean Kayden

HOORAY FOR WEAK MALES AND 
LOYAL FEMALES

 I have this tendency to believe that “what is” is what ought to 
be. Take marriage for instance. For most of my life I believed 
deep in my heart that the system of pair-bonding between one 
male and one woman together for the purpose of raising and 
nurturing their children was divinely established and had always 
been the way human beings conducted themselves To me 
marriage was part of a fantasy of living happily ever after in bliss with an attractive 
spouse who would never age and would always faithfully be my lover, confidant, 
and mate. Notwithstanding all of my life experience and cynicism, I still get all 
teary-eyed at weddings. I root for married couples to make it through the world 
and am generally quite sad when the marriages fall apart, as some inevitably seem 
to do.

 Well, my concept of marriage took another blow this morning as I read the article 
in the LA TIMES entitled Untangling the Evolutionary Toots of Monogamy. The 
story which began on the front page of the LA EXTRA section (I guess it was some 
recent news-flash) was continued on to the second page of the section beneath the 
large headline “Weak males and the females who opted to be faithful to them.” The 
primary researcher Owen Lovejoy, a biological anthropologist (I’m not making this 
up folks), explains that the original pattern of bonding displayed by our nearest 
simian ancestors is for a few superior alpha males to dominate other males in the 
group and, “by dint of their superior fighting prowess, freely mate with the females. 
Lower status males are largely shut out from mating opportunities”.

 So that’s the way it was for millennia. The big time male studs impregnated the 
females and everybody else had to put up with it. This pattern has not completely 
disappeared but over time some changes did occur. The stud like males had no time 
or interest in being part of the child-rearing process. They were busy vigorously 
participating in the creation of new babies who would perpetuate their presence in 
the future gene pool. This keeping your own personal DNA present in future beings 
is what makes the world go round, evolutionarily speaking. However, as modern 
big-brained man evolved, a new problem arose. Little human folk take years and 
much energy to raise to independence. It is hard for a mother to go it alone

 Neotony is the term used to describe this prolonged dependence of a human child, 
and it made all the difference. The non-alpha males who previously were foreclosed 
from participating in the mating game negotiated a deal with the females. These 
males would provide food for the females and their offspring, provided they could 
be sure that these little ones were actually their biological offspring. The only way 
the males could be sure of the female fidelity was for the males to hang around the 
nest a lot and participate in domestic chores so as to keep the females away from 
the stud males, still probably the females preferred inseminators. Eventually these 
non-superior type males came to recognize the characteristics of the loyal females 
who valued the food and attention given to them by the weaker males and - presto 
- marriage was institutionalized.

 Well, alas; it all seems to have broken down. The females are no longer dependent 
on the males for economic sustenance and understandably have adapted to new 
opportunities in the outside world. The stud-males are still roaming around, 
irresponsible as ever, and incapable or just uninterested in maintaining any 
commitments. Really, the breakdown of the nuclear family from an evolutionary 
perspective seems inevitable. We need something new and a possible alternative 
was suggested to me by my recently rediscovered old friend who has made several 
trips to Malawi. He observed that because of disease, war, and economic hardship 
the nuclear family almost has ceased to function. Children are raised collectively by 
the tribe. I think us family-destroying Western folk must come to realize, in accord 
with Hilary Clinton, that it does take a village to raise a child.

 Isn’t it the responsibility of the tribe, of the community at large, to insure that 
children are nourished, educated, medically cared for and, above all, loved? As 
families continue to breakdown, other resources in the community can be utilized. 
Really, there are a lot of us with time on our hands who could really be helping out if 
we were given the right guidance and told it was okay to care. There are still many of 
us weak males and faithful females who want to make positive contributions to the 
next generations, whether or not we have already screwed up our own kids. Maybe 
a little experience will help us weak males and loyal females to do a better job and 
maybe we could celebrate the formation of a caring tribe for each new-baby with a 
solemn ceremony promising commitment and continued presence. We could all 
get a little teary-eyed at the ceremony and in a wonderful way it could keeps us all 
more active and responsible in the game of life even though we produce no more 
children. Who needs evolution? 


A PARAPROSDOKIAN A DAY 
KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY

 When I was a kid my dad taught me that laughter is the best 
medicine for whatever ills you. When other boys got hurt doing 
whatever it is that young boys do, their fathers would tell them 
to pick themselves up and “shake it off.” Crying, of course, 
wasn’t allowed -- at least for boys growing up in the 1950s.

 My father, on the other hand, was a comic at heart and a firm believer in the power 
of humor. When my brother or I got hurt, he would also tell us to pick ourselves up 
the same as other fathers, but instead of saying “shake it off,” he would tell us “laugh 
it off.” And to make his point, Dad would invariably follow up his advice with a figure 
of speech that always made us laugh. 

 I’ve since learned that these figures of speech have a name: “paraprosdokian.” A 
paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase 
is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or 
re-interpret the first part. 

 It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely 
popular among comedians and satirists. For example, “Where there’s a will, I want to 
be in it,” is a paraprosdokian used for humorous effect. 

 Here are just a few of these humorous figures of speech. I’m sure you can think 
of many more. Use them whenever possible. They can make life a whole lot more 
cheerful.

1. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you 
hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a 
fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell 
you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On 
my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, 
notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a 
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man 
is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive 
twice.

18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t 
get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid. 

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in 
a garage makes you a mechanic.

26. It ain’t over until it’s over.
27. You can observe a lot by watching.
28. If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.
29. If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.


30. When you get to a fork in the road, take it.

 Does anybody out there remember Yogi Berra? Yeah, that’s right, the famous 
New York Yankee catcher. You folks will undoubtedly say that some of these 
paraprosdokians sound a lot like something Yogi might say. And you’d be right. Yogi 
was the all-time master of the humorous or satirical paraprosdokian. Not all were 
amusing however. At least one of his sayings has sadly been proven to be true: “A 
nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”

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OUT TO PASTOR 

A Weekly Religion Column by Rev. James Snyder

MY GRANDFATHER AND THAT NEW 
CONTRAPTION, THE TELEPHONE


RICH Johnson

I was sitting in a 
restaurant on a 
Friday afternoon 
enjoying a leisurely 
repast with some friends. Somewhere in the 
middle of our conversation, my cell phone 
went off. Without even thinking about it, I 
reached into my shirt

 pocket, pulled it out and answered it.

 It was then I was struck with an awful 
thought. I am now a child of this contemporary 
technological world. I never thought 
I would succumb to this sort of thing. But 
here I am; I'm not the man I used to be, and 
I'm not even sure I'm the man I want to be.

 On my way home, I thought about how far 
I have come in this modern world. Then, 
for some reason I thought of my old grandfather. 
He died in 1974 and every once in 
a while I think about him. This was one of 
those times.

 What came to my mind this particular time 
was when my grandmother got a new contraption 
for their home. Grandfather was 
not enthused about some of these modern 
advances.

 My grandfather allowed grandmother to 
get electricity in the house, but when it 
came to indoor plumbing he was dead set 
against it. He had used the old outhouse 
in the back as far as he could remember. 
His father had used it before him. As far 
as grandfather was concerned, he was going 
to use that outhouse until he died. He 
did not need any of this newfangled indoor 
plumbing. And that was that.

 My grandmother said to him at the time, 
"Pap, is that your last word on the subject?"

 "It sure is," my grandfather responded.

 Grandmother looked at him and said, 
"Great, the plumber is coming tomorrow 
and I won't have to put up with any more 
of your guff."

 The next morning, right on grandmother's 
schedule, the plumber came and fitted the 
house with indoor plumbing. Just to be 
spiteful, my grandfather never used the indoor 
plumbing. He showed grandmother 
that he was boss in some certain regard, 
and used the outhouse for the rest of his 
life.

 Then the time came when the telephone 
line went down the valley where grandmother 
and grandfather lived. Knowing the 
hard time grandfather gave her with the indoor 
plumbing, she decided not to tell him 
about the installation of the telephone. She 
knew he would disapprove, so why ask.

 Grandfather came home that night, as usual, 
and sat down to a very nice supper. So 
far, he had not noticed the addition in the 
living room. Grandmother, the diplomat 
that she was, did not bother to point it out 
to him.

 Grandfather, as was his custom, settled 
down to read the evening newspaper in 
the living room completely unaware of the 
change that had come to this sanctuary of 
his.

 Grandmother was in the kitchen busy 
cleaning off the table, washing the dishes 
and getting her kitchen back into shape before 
retiring to the living room for an evening 
of relaxation.

 Suddenly, a ringing noise exploded in 
the living room. Grandfather, not knowing 
what had happened, jumped out of his 
chair and exited the living room faster than 
he had ever done so before.

 In the kitchen, grandmother had been so 
busy with her work she forgot about this 
new contraption. She too was scared.

 The ringing continued without stopping. 
Grandfather was beside himself and considered 
getting his shotgun not knowing 
who or what had invaded his living room.

 Then it dawned on grandmother. "Oh," she 
said with a sigh of relief. "That's the telephone 
ringing."

 "The what?"

 "Telephone."

 "Who's Phone, and what the world do you 
want to tell him?"

 "No," grandmother said and ran into the 
living room to answer the phone. "It's the 
telephone ringing."

 By this time, she had got to the telephone 
and had answered it. My grandfather 
stared at her as she talked into the telephone 
receiver. "Woman," he said with a 
great deal of alarm, "what in the world is 
wrong with you?"

 Grandmother ignored him and continued 
talking on the telephone.

 Now grandfather was worried. Watching 
his wife talk to someone who was not there 
and even at times laughing when there 
wasn't anything funny, caused him alarm.

 Finally, out of sheer desperation, he went 
over, took the contraption out of her hand 
and taking her by the arm and, "Now, dear. 
There's nothing to worry about. Just come 
over and sit down here in your chair and 
everything will be all right."

 "But I'm talking to."

 "I know, I know. But you see, dear, there's 
nobody there. You're just having one of 
your spells."

 Grandfather never came to terms with 
grandmother's newfangled contraption. 
To my knowledge, he never used it, never 
spoke to anybody on it, never listened to 
anybody talking to him on it. As far as he 
was concerned, it was one of grandmother's 
hallucinations.

 It has been a long time since I thought 
about grandmother's telephone. On my 
way home from my luncheon meeting I 
thought about all the inventions that have 
come into our world. I thought of what the 
Bible said, "Lo, this only have I found, that 
God hath made man upright; but they have 
sought out many inventions" (Ecclesiastes 
7:29 KJV).

 We seem to be quick on our inventions, but 
rather slow on connecting with God. With 
all our inventions, are we any better off? 
Instead of seeking inventions, we would be 
better served in seeking God.

WHY IT’S STILL GREAT TO BE A 
GUY 

 

 I ran this column four years ago or so and figured it was time 
to remind us of this truth. I’ve added some new reasons so this 
is an update from that last column. You know, men are just 
naturally happier people. Then again, what do you expect from 
such simple creatures?

 Your last name stays put.

 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

 You know stuff about tanks.

 A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

 You can open all your own jars.

 You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

 You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

 You can kill your own food.

 The garage is all yours.

 You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

 Wedding plans take care of themselves.

 Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

 None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

 You don’t have to shave below your neck.

 If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.

 Chocolate is just another snack.

 You can be president.

 Flowers fix everything.

 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

 You can whip off your shirt off on a hot day.

 You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

 One mood all the time.

 You don’t mooch off others’ desserts

 If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

 The remote is yours, and yours alone.

 You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom

 You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

 The same hair style lasts for decades

 You can do your nails with a pocket knife

 If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends 
you’ve changed.

 If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong 
buddies.

 There’s always a game on.

 Your last name stays put.

 When changing channels, you don’t have to stop at every shot of someone crying.

 You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

 When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates 
you. 

 And finally the greatest reason it’s great to be a guy:

 You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 So guys, I encourage you to cut this column out and put it on the refrigerator 
door, bathroom wall, or in the garage. I do want to give a simple truth I may or 
may not have learned, but that was shared with me in very succinct language. It’s 
regarding arguments with women:

 A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the 
beginning of a new argument. Capiche?

 The Fairy Tale Theatre is starting up again this week with “The Wizard of Oz” at 
the Sierra Madre Playhouse. Saturdays at 11:00am. The entire play last about an hour 
and the real joy of these plays is to come, bring children, and enjoy the interaction 
between the cast and the kids. It runs starting June 2 and continues through June 
with the last performance July 7. Tickets are $18.00 for adults and $12 for kids 12 
and under. Reservations can be made at (626) 355-4318. I hope to see you there.

Mountain Views News

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