Mountain Views News, Combined Edition Saturday, August 26, 2023

12

OPINIONOPINION

Mountain View News Saturday, August 26, 2023 

MOUNTAIN 
VIEWS

NEWS

PUBLISHER/ EDITOR

Susan Henderson

PASADENA CITY 
EDITOR

Dean Lee 

PRODUCTION

SALES

Patricia Colonello

626-355-2737 

626-818-2698

WEBMASTER

John Aveny 

DISTRIBUTION

Peter Lamendola

CONTRIBUTORS

Stuart Tolchin 

Harvey Hyde

Audrey Swanson

Meghan Malooley

Mary Lou Caldwell

Kevin McGuire

Chris Leclerc

Dinah Chong Watkins

Howard Hays

Paul Carpenter

Kim Clymer-Kelley

Christopher Nyerges

Peter Dills 

Rich Johnson

Lori Ann Harris

Rev. James Snyder

Katie Hopkins

Deanne Davis

Despina Arouzman

Jeff Brown

Marc Garlett

Keely Toten

Dan Golden

Rebecca Wright

Hail Hamilton

Joan Schmidt

LaQuetta Shamblee

RICH JOHNSON 

NOW THAT’S RICH

STUART TOLCHIN


PUT THE LIGHTS ON


CONFUSING ENGLISH AND THE WORD UP!

THE TRUTH IS VERY INCONVENIENT

 Yesterday I tried to watch the first Republican 
Primary debates on the Fox News Station. I must 
admit I had never watched the Fox News Station before 
and I felt I was very brave to venture into this 
unknown territory and hoped I would emerge safely. 
I didn’t. All right I admit I am a lifelong non-Republican. Almost 
always I have voted for the Democrat on the ticket but occasionally I 
have voted for a third Party candidate like Ralph Nader or a Peace and 
Freedom Candidate.

 Actually, many Democrats, including some of my closest 
friends blame Nader for the loss of the White House in the 2000 election 
and bringing about the disastrous victory of George W. Bush 
over Vice-President Al Gore. You remember Al Gore don’t you? Way 
back when, in 2006 he was featured in a documentary entitled ‘INCONVENIENT 
TRUTH’ warning America of the emerging human 
challenge of global warning and climate change. In the documentary 
Gore challenged viewers to bring about needed change to reduce 
greenhouse emissions and provided suggestions on how individuals 
could help combat global warming in their own community.

 Memory tells me that Inconvenient Truth in 2006 won Academy 
Awards for the best feature-length documentary along with an 
Academy Award for best song, something called “I need to wake up.” 
What did defeated Presidential Candidate, Al Gore, have to do with 
actual film? He wrote it!!! Would it have made a difference to the 
world if this man had been elected President in the year 2000. I am not 
even talking about the Iraq War of 2003 begun by President George 
W. Bush (the disputed victor over Vice-President Albert Gore) initiated 
by now President Bush without a UN mandate. In fact the entire 
war was declared by the Secretary General of the UN as being illegal 
and based on fabricated evidence which has resulted in the long-term 
instability of Iraq and its present terrorist status.

 For the moment, at least, forget all that. I bring it all up to 
remind Americans that the person chosen to be the President (I wish 
I could say for certain “fairly elected”) will make a huge difference 
in our lives, the lives of our children and grandchildren and future 
generations, if there are any. Given that you can imagine my horror 
in viewing the Republican “debates”. No new policies were described 
with emphasis on the importance of our “Southern Border” and emphasis 
on finishing the Trump old favorite, “the Wall”. It must be 
clear to everyone that none of these 8 debaters have any chance to 
defeat Mr. Trump’s candidacy whether he is in prison at the time of 
the election or not.

 This all leads me to worry that if the President is re-elected 
he may not survive to serve out his full four year term. I think even 
in a best-case scenario there would likely come a time when he falls 
and is injured and, at least for a while, is unable to perform his duties 
of office. So that leaves us with the Vice-President to run things 
during a period of instability. To date there is no indication that the 
present sitting Vice-President, Kamila Harris, would not be the 2024 
candidate for Vice-President. Frankly, subsequent to her election, I 
do not think many of us, even we “Good Democrats” feel very assured 
that she is up to the job. Maybe that has something to with the fact 
that she is a woman, or is short of stature, or has little foreign policy 
experience; but, overall she has not found a way to impress the electorate. 
Folks it’s true! America needs someone else—A Strongman, 
or a Strong Woman. My present Inconvenient Truth is that President 
Biden would, for whatever reason, choose to withdraw and that someone 
of great stature would emerge from the shadows.

 So far, I have not seen such a person of either party or gender or 
race; but I am optimistic and believe such a being exists. Perhaps AI 
can help. Well, “wait ‘til next year” as Dodger fans used to say for fifty 
years. We’ll see how it goes if the air is still clear enough for us to see. 

Exactly 729 days ago, a 
version of this column 
ran in the Mountain 
Views News. I know 
‘cause I looked it up. 
Someone, who shall remain 
nameless, suggested I occasionally 
rerun what they referred to as my 
more ‘tolerable’ columns. 

If you think English is easy you were 
most certainly born here. If you find 
American English a little difficult, 
pedestrian and unintelligible, you 
are probably a member of the British 
Empire. If you find American English 
backwoods and primitive you are 
definitely a member of the Empire. 
If English is impossible you are from 
anywhere else on the globe, galaxy or 
universe. 

Here are examples of our profound language 
that may give you insight into 
the difficulty of grasping our native 
tongue.

The bandage was wound around the 
wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse 
more refuse.

He could lead if he would get the lead 
out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert 
in the desert.

A bass was painted on the head of the 
bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the 
bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the 
invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen 
about how to row...

They were too close to the door to close 
it.

The buck does funny things, when the 
does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into 
a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer 
taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the 
sail.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I 
shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of 
tests on my favorite subject.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate 
friend?

Since there is no time like the present, 
he thought it was time to present the 
present.

You want more? Okay, I can give you 
more.

If writers write why don’t fingers fing; 
or grocers groce and hammers ham?

One goose, 2 geese. Why not one 
moose, 2 meese? 

Teachers taught but did the preacher 
praught? 

Vegetarians eat vegetables. So, what do 
humanitarians eat? 

How come slim chance and fat chance 
mean the same thing but a wise man 
and a wise guy are opposites? 

You fill in a form by filling it out, and 
an alarm goes off by going on. 

Did you ever see some poor soul’s house 
burn up as it burned down?

Possibly the most difficult word in the 
language is a simple two letter word: 
UP. 

We wake UP. 

A topic comes UP. We speak UP. 

It’s UP to the secretary to write UP a 
report. 

We call UP our friends. 

We brighten UP a room, polish UP the 
silver; warm UP the leftovers and clean 
UP the kitchen. 

We lock UP the house while some guy 
fixes UP the car. People stir UP trouble, 
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite 
and think UP excuses. The various 
definitions of UP go on and on. 

If you are UP for it look UP the definition 
of UP in the dictionary. It will 
take UP a lot of your time, but if you 
don’t give UP and build UP a list of the 
many ways UP is used you may wind 
UP with a hundred or more definitions. 
Of course, it’s UP to you.

I think I’ll wrap UP my column because 
I’m certain it is way past the time 
to shut UP!

Mountain Views News 
has been adjudicated as 
a newspaper of General 
Circulation for the County 
of Los Angeles in Court 
Case number GS004724: 
for the City of Sierra 
Madre; in Court Case 
GS005940 and for the 
City of Monrovia in Court 
Case No. GS006989 and 
is published every Saturday 
at 80 W. Sierra Madre 
Blvd., No. 327, Sierra 
Madre, California, 91024. 
All contents are copyrighted 
and may not be 
reproduced without the 
express written consent of 
the publisher. All rights 
reserved. All submissions 
to this newspaper become 
the property of the Mountain 
Views News and may 
be published in part or 
whole. 

Opinions and views expressed 
by the writers 
printed in this paper do 
not necessarily express 
the views and opinions 
of the publisher or staff 
of the Mountain Views 
News. 

Mountain Views News is 
wholly owned by Grace 
Lorraine Publications, 
and reserves the right to 
refuse publication of advertisements 
and other 
materials submitted for 
publication. 

Letters to the editor and 
correspondence should 
be sent to: 

Mountain Views News

80 W. Sierra Madre Bl. 
#327

Sierra Madre, Ca. 
91024

Phone: 626-355-2737

Fax: 626-609-3285

email: 

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A member of 
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Newspaper 
Publishers 
Association


BALDNESS: IS NOT PARTING SUCH 
SWEET SORROW?

Nearly 60 years after discovering “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” I still 
watch the classic sitcom, but some of the punchlines haven’t held up 
particularly well. 

Or maybe I’m the one who hasn’t held up so well.

You may recall that gag writer Buddy Sorrell (played by Morey Amsterdam) 
always made longsuffering “Alan Brady Show” producer Mel 
Cooley the foil of his rapid-fire baldness jokes.

The zingers were HI-larious – until my early thirties when I abruptly discovered that my 
luxurious hair was starting to take a vow of poverty.

Thanks to the wonders of genetics, I suddenly became self-conscious and began worrying 
about the unfair stereotype of bald people being dull, over-the-hill, post-virile fuddy-
duddies. Dagnabbit, how I wanted to fire off a stern letter- to-the-editor chastising those 
haters! Or at least beg my wife to do it for me.

Of course, some offenses were even more “in your face” than Buddy Sorrell’s jabs. I mean, 
there was a whole Broadway musical celebrating hair! At least playwrights stopped short 
of producing equally tasteful, non-divisive musicals such as “Two Healthy, Tumor-Free 
Breasts” or “My Four Successful Children, None of Whom Married a Low-life Loser” or 
“How My Company Failed to Embezzle the Entire Pension Fund.”

The ironies of being hair-challenged are maddening. Old classmates struggle to recognize 
you, but bill collectors, IRS auditors and charity solicitors can spot you at 1,000 paces in 
a blizzard!

At one point I vowed to scrimp and save $5,000 so I could get hi-tech hair treatments; but 
when I started visualizing that stack of “Benjamins,” the idea of buying a powdered wig 
and $4,995 worth of junk food sounded better.

Well, a wig was one option, but there were others. You know how Archimedes bragged, 
“Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it and I shall move the 
world”? I settled for “Give me a big enough baseball cap and I can convince the world I’m 
a studmuffin.”

Sporting a glare-reflecting noggin has affected countless aspects of my life. I’ve held tight 
to my current job for nearly 25 years partly because I’m terrified that if I started pounding 
the pavement for a new job, all the windows would have signs that declared, “Chrome-
domed freaky people need not apply.”

Although snappy comebacks such as “Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street” and “God made 
only so many perfect heads; the rest He covered with hair” are available to me, I generally 
just grin and bear it when people bless me with (allegedly) good-natured ribbing.

I have refrained from going all Old Testament on anybody. But I’m certainly intrigued by 
the incident involving Elisha the prophet. A gang of young punks taunted him with “Go 
up, thou bald head,” so he summoned two bears that gave them a good mauling. (“And 
those pick-a-nick baskets had better be kosher, too!”)

I’ve managed to meditate and maintain a downright Zen attitude. Forget one hand clapping. 
What’s the sound of one hair waking up and shouting, “Hey, where did everybody 
else go???”

I wish I could write more about this single capitulation to the aging process, but I must 
tune in “The Dick Van Dyke Show” before I miss Rob Petrie’s HI-larious stumble over the 
ottoman.

Ouch! Hey, Archimedes – can you fetch a lever, a fulcrum and an icepack? Stat!

DAN TYREE


Mountain Views News

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Mountain Views News 80 W Sierra Madre Blvd. No. 327 Sierra Madre, Ca. 91024 Office: 626.355.2737 Fax: 626.609.3285 Email: editor@mtnviewsnews.com Website: www.mtnviewsnews.com