Mountain Views News, Combined Edition Saturday, May 6, 2023

6

OPINION

Mountain View News Saturday, May 6, 2023 

RICH JOHNSON 

NOW THAT’S RICH

DINAH CHONG WATKINS

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 
OF THE WRONG KIND


STUART TOLCHIN

MOUNTAIN 
VIEWS

NEWS

PUBLISHER/ EDITOR

Susan Henderson

PASADENA CITY 
EDITOR

Dean Lee 

PRODUCTION

SALES

Patricia Colonello

626-355-2737 

626-818-2698

WEBMASTER

John Aveny 

DISTRIBUTION

Peter Lamendola

CONTRIBUTORS

Stuart Tolchin 

Audrey Swanson

Meghan Malooley

Mary Lou Caldwell

Kevin McGuire

Chris Leclerc

Dinah Chong Watkins

Howard Hays

Paul Carpenter

Kim Clymer-Kelley

Christopher Nyerges

Peter Dills 

Rich Johnson

Lori Ann Harris

Rev. James Snyder

Katie Hopkins

Deanne Davis

Despina Arouzman

Jeff Brown

Marc Garlett

Keely Toten

Dan Golden

Rebecca Wright

Hail Hamilton

Joan Schmidt

LaQuetta Shamblee

PUT THE LIGHTS ON


MY BIG DAY

MATCH.COM

Seeking Lifetime Love: I’m 
the outdoorsy type but happy 
to stay indoors snuggled 
up on the sofa by a roaring 
fire in the winter or by an 
air conditioning vent on a 
hot summer’s day. Loyalty is my number one 
thing (ok, to be honest - it’s very closely followed 
by a peanut butter biscuit - any peanut 
butter biscuit). I constantly want to be close 
to you but not in a stalker way. I’ve been described 
as being too protective at times but this 
is usually from guys in uniforms who use the 
doorbell to play mind games on me. I’m into 
spontaneous moments like spending a wild day 
at the beach yet love, love, love going on after-
dinner strolls around the neighborhood, greeting 
familiar faces and leaving my calling card 
as we walk by. If you are seeking unconditional 
love and can put up with someone who has zero 
cooking skills and a poor sense of time management, 
call me at (626)234-WOOF.

What if humans had the emotional intelligence 
(EQ) of dogs? We’d always be ecstatic to see 
each other, even after a bathroom break. Having 
dinner together would be a riotous ritual of euphoric 
jubilation. No silent treatment here, bad 
feelings would be put out there with a load of 
poop in the offender’s shoe. And when times are 
hard, a faithful head is to be found in your lap, 
no questions asked.

Are dogs better than people as companions? Financially, 
they’re income eaters not generators. 
You can’t even claim them as dependents on 
your 1040 tax form. My dog once found a nickel 
on the ground - she ate it. That turned into a 
$350 vet bill.

Dogs are a lot of work. They’re not like cats 
who do their business quite professionally in 
a sandbox and can pace themselves throughout 
the day with a full bowl of Cat Chow. Dogs 
poop wherever they want and don’t pick up 
after themselves. It’s up to us, the responsible, 
civic minded owner to scoop and drop it in our 
neighbor's trash bin. And to those inconsiderate 
dog owners who pretend they didn’t know their 
dog just dropped a load on the sidewalk - c'mon, 
you’re connected together by a leash. 

With the small exception of working dogs; 
the livestock herders, K-9 officers, guard, service 
and guide dogs, most dogs are born into a 
carefree, lazy life of retirement that protesting 
French citizens demand now at age 62 not President 
Macron's decree of 64. Mon dieu! Those 
crazy Americans have to hang in there until 70!

But lifetime freeloading aside, dogs give us what 
money, drugs, status, and possessions can’t buy 
- love, loyalty and stinky kisses. With a side of 
unapologetic farts.

(To the tune from the Mary Tyler Moore Show, 
with regrets to Sonny Curtis)

I can turn your world round with my smile.

I can take your nothing day, and suddenly make 
it all seem okay.

Well it’s me pal and you should know it

With each lick and every little tail wag I show it

Love is all we have no need to fake it

Now's the time for walkies, why don’t we take it

We’re gonna make it after all

Dinah Chong Watkins column appears every 1st 
and 3rd Saturday of the month.

HUMANS VERSUS 

OTHER ANIMALS

Humans are certainly unusual 
creatures in the animal 
kingdom. (Some of us much 
more unusual than others). Our two most significant 
gifts (if you will) would have to be our bigger 
brains and opposable thumbs. Having a choice, I 
choose to thank a benevolent creator. Other of my 
close friends are busy looking for space aliens to 
heap praise on. 

By far the most significant and compelling evidence 
of extra terrestrials was the existence of my 
close and dear departed friend, Barry Schwam. He 
was my superior in every distinguishable category, 
and I, like many of our mutual friends, miss him. 
And we hope for his return on the mother ship 
someday.

There is a long list detailing both anatomical traits 
and abilities in the pantheon of human advantages. 
I’ll focus on but a few. You might take notes.

Speech… is the first attribute that sets us apart. 
We have bigger “cortical associa-tion areas” (whatever 
that is). Those areas enable us to make more 
sounds. 

Upright Posture…Our way of doing the locomotion 
is walking fully upright. It frees up our hands 
to use tools, or weapons, or golf clubs. 

Nakedness…we only look naked. Believe it or not. 
A square of human skin has as many hair-producing 
follicles as a chimpanzee’s skin. Our hair 
is thinner, shorter and lighter. We are an improvement 
because it’s easier for our sweat to evapo-rate. 
Miniaturized hair is a good thing…except for the 
lack of it on the top of my head.

Clothing…we may be called “naked apes” but most 
of us wear clothing. Chimpan-zees are the only 
other members of the animal kingdom who have 
been known to wear something. Typically they 
wear jewelry crafted from foliage or the bones of 
fallen enemies. No three piece suits so far.

Extraordinary Brains…Overdeveloped cerebral 
cortex’s to be exact. 80% of our brain mass, containing 
100 billion neurons. This cerebral cortex 
helps us with decision-making, executive control, 
emotional regulation and last, but not least, lan-
guage. (Grunt, grunt). 

And though the brain contains 2% of our body 
weight, it consumes 25% of our body’s overall energy. 
And contrary to popular opinion, we don’t 
have the largest brains. That attribute belongs to 
our friends, the sperm whales.

Hands…No, we are not the only animals to possess 
opposable thumbs – most primates do. What’s 
more the great apes have something we don’t have: 
(well most of us. I never saw Barry’s feet). 

Primates have opposable big toes. Don’t be dismayed, 
our opposable thumbs are much longer 
than other primate thumbs. Our primate relatives 
cannot throw a curveball or even hold a pen to sign 
their names because their thumbs are shorter. 

Hah!

Fire…we learned how to control fire (most of the 
time). We could cook and see in a dark world and 
keep those nocturnal predators at bay. And we 
could stay warm.

Blushing…What Charles Darwin called “the most 
peculiar and the most human of all expressions. 
”Why do we involuntarily reveal our innermost 
emotions?” By the way, 
I’ve never really checked 
but psychologists tell us 
blushing does not only oc-
cur on the face – any part 
of your body can blush. 

Somebody please check 
that out and get back to 
me.

I’d like to thank the 

Livescience.com website 
for their wonderful 

description of what 

separates most humans 
from the rest of the animal 
kingdom. 

If only they could help me 
understand what separates 
me from the rest of the 

animal kingdom!

 One week ago exactly 
was my birthday and I am 
now officially starting my 
eightieth year. What is clear 
to everyone around me is 
that I am in need of validation. 
The problem is that there is little that I 
do that is merits validation. My wife lovingly 
reminded me of the blatancy of this need by 
presenting me with a device that makes the 
sound of wild applause when it is pressed. 
The one thing that I do that I believe merits 
validation is submit an article to this paper 
every single week. I never miss a week and 
am proud of this accomplishment notwithstanding 
what merit others may find in the 
article. 

 The person most conscientious in 
supporting my weekly article is my friend 
Joel who now lives in France. We have an 
interesting history together. We met at the 
air terminal in 1966 as we awaited the plane 
that would take us to Mississippi. This was a 
very serious matter as we separately had been 
invited by the Southern Christian Leadership 
Conference to come to Grenada Mississippi 
to give support to African American Students 
who would be attending integrated Schools 
for the first time. Civil Rights workers had 
been killed in June of 1964 while participating 
in what was called the Freedom Summer 
and flying to Mississippi felt frightening and 
heroic and exciting. I wondered if my parents 
were worried about me. Years later my sister 
told me that they felt that as long as somebody 
else was paying for it I should go. Please remember 
that in 1966 I had almost never been 
on an air flight. For me it was a very big deal.

 My new friend Joel and I talked at the 
airport and while in Mississippi established 
what I believe is a very deep friendship. In 
Mississippi the African-American (I want to 
say Black) kids could not distinguish one of us 
from the other. We were White Jewish boys 
of about the same size and age with light eyes 
and brown hair. Joel was a talented musician 
who played the piano in the Baptist Church 
where we all met every morning. Lots of time 
people mistakenly congratulated me on my 
piano playing. After a while I just accepted 
the congratulations.

 I had not seen Joel for many years but 
today he was in Los Angeles meeting relatives 
and friends. The only time we could meet 
was at a halfway point between Sierra Madre 
and Venice. I suggested ”Art’s Delicatessen’ 
on Ventura Blvd. Joel wanted to veto Art’s 
repeating a joke that he had heard which went 
something like “You know who killed more 
Jews than the Nazis? Art’s delicatessen” referring 
to its Jewish menu of high cholesterol 
salty foods. I didn’t like the joke much and 
prevailed upon Joel to meet me there. Just 
looking at the menu filled with pastrami and 
corned beef sandwiches and cabbage soup and 
lox and bagels was a kind of validating experience. 
This was a part of my long-neglected 
heritage and my wife wasn’t there to stop me 
from eating dangerous food. (I no longer eat 
red meat or salty food or sugared drinks.) I 
affirmed my identity by ordering a sugarless 
Dr. Brown Black Cherry Soda which also part 
of my remembered past. Actually Joel and I 
split a whitefish salad sandwich and I had a 
small bowl of cabbage soup.

 I had a wonderful time. I wore my 
Welcome Strangers T-Shirt and talked to everyone. 
I noticed a woman sitting a couple of 
tables away and realized that this person was 
a celebrity who had been engaged more or less 
to Leonard Cohen and Tom Cruise. I won’t 
give out her name because I hate when people 
make a big deal about seeing a celebrity. 

 Tomorrow at 9 a.m. I will go to the 
Arboretum to begin the orientation program 
necessary for volunteers. What a full life I 
have. How surprising that seeing a celebrity 
and ordering cabbage soup can feel validating. 
Now, I have finished the article in time 
and will hit my applause machine because I 
guess I can never get enough validation. 

What about you?

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Mountain Views News 80 W Sierra Madre Blvd. No. 327 Sierra Madre, Ca. 91024 Office: 626.355.2737 Fax: 626.609.3285 Email: editor@mtnviewsnews.com Website: www.mtnviewsnews.com