Mountain Views News          Saturday, October 8, 2011

12

OPINION

 Mountain Views News Saturday, October 8, 2011

STUART Tolchin..........On LIFE

CONNECTIONS TO MYSELF

HAIL Hamilton My Turn

Mountain 
Views

News

PUBLISHER/ EDITOR

Susan Henderson

CITY EDITOR

Dean Lee 

EAST VALLEY EDITOR

Joan Schmidt

SALES

Patricia Colonello

626-355-2737 

626-818-2698

PRODUCTION 

Richard Garcia

PHOTOGRAPHY

Lina Johnson

Ivonne Durant

WEBMASTER

John Aveny 

CONTRIBUTORS

Jeff Brown

Pat Birdsall

Chris Leclerc

Bob Eklund

Howard Hays

Paul Carpenter

Stuart Tolchin

Kim Clymer-Kelley

Christopher Nyerges

Peter Dills 

Hail Hamilton 

Rich Johnson

Chris Bertrand

Ron Carter

Rev. James Snyder

Bobby Eldridge

Mary Carney

La Quetta Shamblee

Katie Hopkins

Deanne Davis

Despina Arouzman

Greg Wellborn

Dr. John Talevich

Meaghan Allen

Sean Kayden


SOUTHERN COPS DO HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS!

Bubba, a law enforcement 
friend of mine, sent me this 
bit of humor and I thought 
I’d share it with you. 
These are actual comments 
made by South Carolina 
Troopers that were taken 
off their car videos. Have a 
good laugh. I sure did. Reality really is funnier 
than fiction. 

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder 
than the one you just went through.” 

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re 
new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.” 

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make 
your birth certificate a worthless document.” 
(My Favorite) 

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” 

5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? 
Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be 
chasing you.” (LOVE IT) 

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I 
guess that means I can write anything I want to 
on the ticket, huh?” 

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but 
I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that 
I’m the shift supervisor?” 

8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m 
warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you 
another ticket.” 

9. “The answer to this last question will determine 
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey 
Mouse a cat or a dog?” 

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is 
a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton 
candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.” 

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and 
my wife gets a toaster oven.” 

12. “In God we trust; all others we run through 
NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center ) 

13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say 
you had?” 

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We 
used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many 
tickets as we can.

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) 
is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone 
who can post your bail.” 

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women 
tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

NEVER SAY THESE THINGS TO A COP... 
PERIOD!

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold 
my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Are you Andy or Barney?

3. If you’d try the stuff I had, you wouldn’t 
be so damn uptight.

4. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer 
gave me a warning, too!

5. Do you know why you pulled me over.? 
Okay, just so one of us does.

6. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I 
know there are no other cars around. That’s how 
far ahead of me they are.

7. When the Officer says, “Gee Son... Your 
eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably 
shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer... Your 
eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?”

8. What? You need a license to drive?

9. Yes, I know my driving isn’t 100% perfect, 
but you have to agree that it’s still pretty good 
for someone who is completely drunk.

10. Whoops, that’s the fake one... here ya go, 
this is the one.

11. Do you have any idea how much of a hurry 
I’m in?

12. You’re lucky this car needs a tune-up or 
you’d never have caught me.

13. In California we drive like that all the 
time, what’s the problem?

14. I thought you had to be in relatively good 
physical condition to be a police officer.

15. Aren’t there any REAL crooks somewhere 
you should be catching?

16. Just had to try out that new siren, didn’t 
you?

17. Can you come back in 5 minutes? 
I’m in the middle of an important telephone 
conversation.

18. Give me a break Officer, I pay your 
salary!

19. Do you have any idea who you’re talking 
to? 

AND THE WINNER IS....

20. So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do 
about it Mr. Hotshot? 

In the 
morning 
when I wake 
up and 
struggle to 
the bathroom 
mirror 
I find 
myself face to face with some 
unfamiliar scowling fat-faced 
bald old man. Who is this guy? 
Whoever he is, I feel little connection 
with him. He looks 
nothing like the way I feel inside, 
and I generally try and 
avoid that face and race out of 
the house as fast as I can. 

 Once outside I look at the 
sunrise and begin my walk 
around the circle wondering 
what neighbors and what kind 
of day I will encounter. The 
canyon in which I am lucky 
to live is filled with a host of 
interesting people. Yesterday I 
encountered three early-rising 
neighbors and managed to 
have interesting conversations 
largely about my week end 
drive up to Santa Cruz.

 During this drive I happened 
to go through the little 
town of San Juan Batista and 
as I passed the Mission in that 
town I thought of the old Alfred 
Hitchcock movie, Vertigo, 
the climactic scenes of which 
were actually filmed in the 
Mission. As I looked at the 
Mission, I sort of thought back 
to the person I was about forty-
five years ago when I first saw 
the movie. What I really want 
to remember is how it felt to 
be me forty-five or fifty years 
ago. In my head I am still connected 
to that person, worrying 
about the draft, worrying 
whether I would ever fit in to 
the adult-professional world,, 
worrying whether any woman 
would ever like me and hoping 
I would be able to raise a family, 
and really wondering what 
other people thought of me. 
Perhaps as one gets older it is 
natural to be more concerned 
with how one feels inside rather 
than caring about what others 
think. 

 Now, who cares? I know more 
about me than outsiders know; 
but I used to care and thought 
that others could see me better 
than I saw myself. Fortunately, 
through the miracle of Facebook, 
this woman whom I used 
to know at Berkeley 48 years 
ago decided to contact me and 
we have shared memories. 
Well, we sort of have shared 
memories, because I really 
don’t remember much about 
her but she remembers all sorts 
of things about me. Really, 
all I remember is the way she 
walked, the clothes she wore, 
and the way she spoke. She was 
this Gentile person and spoke 
slowly in a refined manner. 

 In High School I had mainly 
hung out with anxious Jews 
like myself, who had no time 
to wait for others to finish their 
sentences. This is, of course, 
my simplistic view of the difference 
between aspiring Jews 
and refined and, what I took to 
be, secure Gentiles. Probably 
this view is nonsense; but, as I 
remember this girl, one of the 
first Gentiles I ever got close 
to, she spoke slowly, never interrupted, 
and seemed to take 
what I said seriously. Strange, 
unexpected behavior. I don’t 
want her to know this but I 
think I thought she was this 
kind of conformist person who 
was cute but did not have all 
that much to say.

 It turns out that I missed out 
on experiencing who she really 
was and who she would 
become. I now have learned 
that she was the valedictorian 
of her High School, a Regent 
Scholar, Phi Beta Kappa clerk 
in the Federal Court, future 
Peace Corps Volunteer, a Law 
School Professor for 25 years, 
and the Dean of a Law School 
that I probably could not have 
gotten in to. (Maybe that’s 
an exaggeration), sailing and 
horse-jumping expert and author 
of lots of books.. Who 
cares about her accomplishments, 
I hear you cry. 

 Well, the point is that this 
rather accomplished woman 
describes me, yes me, as a person 
worth knowing. I turned 
her on to Russian novels, I 
taught her to stand back from 
the ping pong table and slam 
the ball, I hitch-hiked with 
her across the bay and we both 
ushered at plays in San Francisco, 
and then went to delicatessens, 
a thing she had never 
done before (Remember she’s 
a Gentile) and best of all I was 
a man who was easy to talk to 
and with whom she felt comfortable. 
Pretty good for her 
first year of College!

 All in all, even though in 
the end I disappointed her and 
didn’t stay in touch, and even 
though I was too stupid to 
know that she was interesting 
and smart, she feels that she 
gained a lot from knowing me.

 I just went and looked in the 
mirror, it’s now midnight, and 
I think I now see the remnant 
of the thin interesting young 
man in the reflection of the 
old, but sort of mischievous 
looking guy I see. I think I am 
now more connected to the realization 
that I am much closer 
to becoming the kind of person 
that I always wanted to be. 
In fact, perhaps I always was 
and just didn’t quite know it. 
Hooray for old friends and old 
memories that become part of 
the present! 

OUT TO PASTOR A Weekly Religion Column


I’M HAVING AN OUT-OF-CASH EXPERIENCE!

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Rev. James L. Snyder

I have read of people who 
testified to the fact that they 
have had an out of body 
experience. After meeting 
some of these people I 
can understand why they 
would want to abandon 
their body if only for a 
moment. My question is, why did they return? 
Whether this was a real experience or not, only 
their hairdresser knows for sure.

 I have made it one of the primary purposes 
of my life to stay in my body as long as I live. In 
fact, I have so developed my body so that there is 
ample room for my La-Z-Boy chair and me. I like 
to be comfortable.

 Truth compels me to say that I have never 
experienced an out-of-body experience. Every 
night when I go to sleep, I am unconscious until 
morning but I do not think that counts except 
when it comes to sheep, but who gives a baa-baa 
about sheep. I have a hard time relating to these 
people with such esoteric experiences. I do not 
doubt them, I just do not relate to them.

 One thing that I can relate to is “an out-of-
cash” experience. There, I said it. Confession is 
good for the soul. For many years, I was ashamed 
of having these kinds of experiences. I thought 
I was the only one in the whole world that ever 
experienced such trauma in their lives. I kept it a 
secret for many years.

 But all that has changed. I am ready to come 
out of the closet and confess that when it comes 
to cash, I am simply out of it.

 It’s not that I have always had an over 
abundance of cash. Throughout the years, it has 
come in a little here and a little there but mostly 
nowhere. I can never remember a time when 
my life was flooded with so much cash I did not 
know what to do with it all.

 Being out-of-cash must not be as bad as it 
sounds. I suppose the terrible thing is how a 
person gets to that point in life.

 I wanted to write a book about my out-of-cash 
experience but I only got up to chapter 11.

 From everything I can gather, everybody seems 
to be out-of-cash. Even our government has come 
to such a perilous place as this. The government 
used to say, “I feel your pain,” and now they are 
really feeling our pain. The government is not 
broken as some people attest; the government is 
simply broke. Now they know how I really feel.

 Being out-of-cash does have some advantage.

 Last Tuesday, for example, was a long hard day 
and I was glad to get home. When I did get home, 
my wife greeted me at the door and said, “Let’s go 
out for supper tonight. I don’t feel like cooking.”

 I looked at her and said rather soberly, “I sure 
would love to go out tonight for supper, but I’m 
really out-of-cash.”

 My wife gave me one of her trademark looks 
and said, “Let’s use your credit card.”

 I would have argued but I was simply out-of-
arguments. I must say that through the years 
she has been very generous with my credit card, 
which may be why I am really out-of-cash.

 Being out-of-cash is not really the worst thing 
that can happen to a person. About three weeks 
ago, I had to go out of town for a little trip and 
forgot to fill up my gas tank. I didn’t even think 
about it. After all, with all the car payments and 
the monthly insurance payments you would 
think the car would come up with a little bit of 
cash on its own. But no, it leaves everything to 
me. My car once told me it was the responsibility 
of the owner.

 I am not saying that my car is contrary but I 
was about 7 miles out of town when I ran out-
of-gas. It does not matter how much cash you 
have on hand, if you run out of gas without a gas 
station nearby it just does not matter.

 The men’s store where I usually buy my 
clothing was running a sale on shirts, the kind 
I usually wear. I had some errands to run and by 
the time I got to the men’s store, they had sold the 
last shirt. “I’m sorry,” the salesperson said, “but 
you’re out-of-luck.”

 I am not quite sure which is worse, being out-
of-cash or being out-of-luck. The truth of the 
matter is, no matter how much cash you have 
on hand if there are no more shirts left, you are 
simply out-of-luck.

 A long time ago, I faced the simple truth that 
money cannot buy everything. I might be able to 
rent a little bit of happiness but it does not last 
forever. I have learned that the most important 
thing in life is to be balanced. Too much of 
anything, even a good thing, can really be 
harmful.

 This must be what Solomon had in mind when 
he wrote, “Remove far from me vanity and lies: 
give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with 
food convenient for me: Lest I be full, and deny 
thee, and say, Who is the LORD? or lest I be poor, 
and steal, and take the name of my God in vain” 
(Proverbs 30:8-9 KJV).

 The problem today is not that we do not have 
enough; we simply are not thankful enough for 
what we have.

The Rev. James L. Snyder is pastor of the Family 
of God Fellowship, PO Box 831313, Ocala, FL 
34483. He lives with his wife, Martha, in Silver 
Springs Shores. Call him at 352-687-4240 or 
e-mail jamessnyder2@att.net. The church web site 
is www.whatafellowship.com.

 


I like 
to provide comic 
relief for the city. 
And I am thankful 
for those of you 
who tell me I 
brighten your week 
with my column. 
According to 
others I have managed to brighten 
people’s days through another medium: 
That of live music. The band, JJ Jukebox, 
of which I am fortunate enough to be 
part, has been applauded for playing 
good music, BUT also also being funny 
and entertaining (At least that is what 
several people have told us).

 As any regular readers of my column 
know, I do occasionally get impacted by 
some serious matters and feel compelled 
to comment. One happened this week 
on Facebook. (I love Facebook because it 
gives you opportunity to be in touch with 
people you would have never seen again.) 
Also, pictures of family members pop up 
instantly, even from across the world. I 
have nieces and a nephew in Australia 
whose photos I see regularly. Yay! That 
being said, there are some down sides. 
Some people post incredibly bad stuff on 
Facebook. It was a disgusting slur from 
one side of the political spectrum against 
the other that got me. Fortunately, my 
opining on this helped me create a short 
statement that sums up a major problem 
in our society. That statement:

 POLITICIANS NO LONGER GOVERN. 
THEY CAMPAIGN!

 I know it’s a generalization. But 
with the advent of the 24 hour a day 
news media, everything that utters forth 
from a politician seems to be campaign 
posturing. And the rhetoric is designed 
to keep those in power, in power, and/
or push those who are in someone else’s 
way out of power. The level of rhetoric 
has been growing more and more 
intense, angry and vitriolic. We need to 
start a movement that tells politicians: 

 WE NEED YOU TO GOVERN, NOT 
CAMPAIGN!

 Okay, I’m done. Pass it on if you agree 
with me. If not, pass it on anyway. : )

 Okay, the important stuff. Here are the 
answers to last weeks test:

 Johnny’s mother had three children. The 
first child was named April. The second 
child was named May. What was the 
third child’s name? 

 JOHNNY

 There is a clerk at the butcher shop who 
is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 
13 tennis shoes. What does he weigh? 

 MEAT

 Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what 
was the highest mountain in the world? 

 MT. EVEREST

 How much dirt is there in a hole that 
measures two feet by three feet by four 
feet? 

 NONE, IT’S A HOLE

 What word in the English Language is 
always spelled incorrectly? 

 INCORRECTLY

 Billy was born on December 28th, yet his 
birthday is always in the summer. How is 
this possible? 

 HE LIVES IN THE SOUTHERN 
HEMISPHERE

 In California, you cannot take a picture 

of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? 

 YOU NEED A CAMERA TO TAKE A 
PICTURE OF A MAN

 What was the President’s name in 1975? 

 BARACK OBAMA

 If you were running a race, and you 
passed the person in 2nd place, what place 
would you be in now? 

 SECOND PLACE

 If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field 
and 4 haystacks in the other field, how 
many haystacks would he have if he 
combined them all in another field? 

 ONE

 If this large “DUH” sound comes out 
from the back of your brain don’t feel bad. 
I missed a bunch of them myself. This is 
a devilishly fun test to give your friends 
and family at parties. It works best if you 
give them the test orally. Distribute blank 
paper and pencil, and have them write the 
answers down as you ask them. If you feel 
particularly evil, have them write their 
names at the top of the paper and then 
exchange their completed tests amongst 
themselves to be graded. 


RICH Johnson

POLITICAL OBSERVATIONS AND TEST ANSWERS

Mountain Views News

Mission Statement

The traditions of the 
community newspaper 
and the concerns of 
our readers are this 
newspaper’s top 
priorities. We support a 
prosperous community 
of well-informed 
citizens. We hold in 
high regard the values 
of the exceptional 
quality of life in our 
community, including 
the magnificence of 
our natural resources. 
Integrity will be our 
guide.