Mountain Views News          Saturday, April 16, 2016

14

OPINION 

 Mountain Views News Saturday, April 16, 2016 

TOM Purcell

Mountain 
Views

News

PUBLISHER/ EDITOR

Susan Henderson

CITY EDITOR

Dean Lee 

EAST VALLEY EDITOR

Joan Schmidt

BUSINESS EDITOR

LaQuetta Shamblee

PRODUCTION

Richard Garcia

SALES

Patricia Colonello

626-355-2737 

626-818-2698

WEBMASTER

John Aveny 

CONTRIBUTORS

Chris Leclerc

Bob Eklund

Howard Hays

Paul Carpenter

Kim Clymer-Kelley

Christopher Nyerges

Peter Dills 

Dr. Tina Paul

Rich Johnson

Merri Jill Finstrom

Lori Koop

Rev. James Snyder

Tina Paul

Mary Carney

Katie Hopkins

Deanne Davis

Despina Arouzman

Greg Welborn

Renee Quenell

Ben Show

Sean Kayden

Marc Garlett

Pat Birdsall (retired)

 RAGING MODERATE by WILL Durst 


WHY I SNAPPED AT A 

BERNIE SUPPORTER

WILL DURST’S 21ST ANNUAL 
POLITICAL ANIMAL AWARDS

I’m crabby this time of year — 
absolutely miserable, if you want to 
know the truth. 

 My taxes are due. 

 Every year at this time, I worry 
that I’ll owe more than I think I will, 
and I will. No matter what I do, I 
generally owe our government $5,000 
more than I thought I would. 

 This is because stupid, corrupt 
people (members of Congress) 
designed the unfathomable (our 
complex tax code) so that powerful 
special interests (campaign donors) 
receive tax breaks while a powerful 
bureaucracy (the IRS) can demand 
the unimaginable (the amount I owe) 
from otherwise productive citizens 
(the self-employed) all in the name of 
good fun. 

 I snapped at a Bernie Sanders 
supporter the other day. The skinny, 
frumpy 20-something held up a 
sign that said, “Honk if you support 
Bernie.” 

 You have to understand I have 
zero empathy for young, able-bodied 
people who want the government to 
give them “free” things — things paid 
for by self-employed people like me. 

Sure, I chose my path. But I have 
no social safety net — I get no 
unemployment if my clients stop 
hiring me. 

 So I work hard. I’m sometimes up 
all night working to keep up with 
deadlines that sometimes hit all at 
once. 

 This is because I must keep my 
clients happy if I want to keep 
receiving the revenue that I need to 
light my house when it is dark and 
feed myself when I am hungry. 

If I get hurt and cannot work, I get 
no disability insurance. I canceled it 
because the high costs were killing 
me. 

 I pay for my own health insurance, 
too, which, thanks to ObamaCare, 
nearly doubled during the past three 
years. 

 I loved that policy, but it became 
too expensive to keep. I switched to 
a high-deductible policy that costs 
$305 a month — but I must pay the 
first $6,000 in costs before any co-
pays kick in. 

 If something happens to me — say 
I have a heart attack while snapping 
at a Bernie supporter — I will receive 
a massive health care bill that will 
prompt an immediate second heart 
attack. 

So when I saw 
the young man 
in the street 
encouraging 
drivers to honk 
in support of 
Bernie’s policies — more free stuff 
for some, more taxes for all! — I got 
a little sore. 

 First off, how did the kid have free 
time in the middle of a workday to 
hold up a “honk for Bernie” sign? 
Even in our sluggish economy there 
is work for the willing — albeit 
no “glamour” jobs for those who 
majored in the Social Structure of 
Sub-Saharan Cross Dressers. 

 The kid said he was for Bernie 
because “the rich” must “contribute” 
their fair share. 

 First of all, “contribute” is what 
individuals do when, say, they are 
at church and put their hard-earned 
money in the second collection 
basket because it will help the needy. 

“Confiscation” is when a lazy 
Bernie supporter demands that the 
government transfer money from 
someone who earned it so that he 
can be relieved of the 150 grand he 
borrowed to major in the Social 
Structure of Sub-Saharan Cross 
Dressers. 

 Second of all, the kid has no idea 
that “the rich” alone can’t possibly 
cover Bernie’s $15.3 trillion tax 
hike. According to estimates, his 
confiscatory policies would extend 
well beyond the truly wealthy and 
cost the average taxpayer $9,000 
more per year — an unfathomable 
sum in addition to the unfathomable 
sum I already must pay. 

 If you’re a Bernie supporter and 
see me walking down the street, I 
advise you to put down your sign and 
shut your yap about all the free stuff 
you think you’re entitled to. 

 I’m in no mood this time of the 
year. 

©2015 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, 
author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s 
Childhood” and “Sean McClanahan 
Mysteries,” available at Amazon.com, 
is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor 
columnist and is nationally syndicated 
exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. 
For info on using this column in your 
publication or website, contact Sales@
cagle.com or call (805) 969-2829. 
Send comments to Tom at Tom@
TomPurcell.com.

A major silver lining in 
this cruelest month of 
April is a lull between 
show business awards 
galas. The lack of 
gold plated statuettes being flung about 
mercifully allows many Americans to stand 
upright for the first time in months. It won’t 
be long, however, before we once again 
are forced to wrap ourselves in industrial 
strength Saran wrap to avoid drowning in 
the leakage of enough weepy insincerity to 
fill Olympic sized swimming pools with an 
unending torrent of ego-splooey.

Alas, the political realm remains bereft 
of a similar love fest, except the ultimate 
extravaganza scheduled for January 21st 
on the grounds of the U.S. Capitol. So let’s 
give our hard working politicians the credit 
they so richly do or don’t deserve with some 
made up silliness also known as Will Durst’s 
21st Annual Political Animal Awards. 

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: 
Hillary Clinton, for her convincing portrayal 
of a 69-year-old grandma befuddled by her 
email. “Where do I put the stamp?” 

THE POT, THE KETTLE AND THE 
COLOR BLACK AWARD: Glenn Beck, for 
calling Donald Trump unstable.

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL MUZZLE ISN’T 
WORKING, BRING OUT THE DUCT 
TAPE AWARD: Former president and 
prospective First Lady, Bill Clinton. 

THE TED CRUZ MAN OF THE YEAR 
AWARD: For an unprecedented 45th year 
in a row, Ted Cruz.

THE OSCAR PISTORIUS 
MARKSMANSHIP AWARD: Carly Fiorina, 
for running on her record as CEO of 
Hewlett- Packard. 

THE WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING 
AWARD: Former Republican nominee 
Mitt Romney, for a speech exhorting party 
agitators to fall in line. 

THE SHEEP IN WOLVES’ CLOTHING 
AWARD: Utah Senator Mike Lee. 

THE UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT OF 
PAYBACK AWARD: Mitch McConnell, for 
his unilateral decision that a presidential 
term lasts only three years. 

THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN 
MY CALLS AWARD - DEMOCRATIC 
DIVISION: Anthony Weiner, John Edwards 
and Elliot Spitzer. 

THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN 
MY CALLS AWARD - REPUBLICAN 
DIVISION: Mark Sanford, David Vitter and 
the entire Bush Family. 

THE KIBITZING AWARD: Pope Francis. 

THE AL GORE CHARISMA IMPLANT 
AWARD: Ohio Governor John Kasich. 

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN 
TECHNICOLOR: Donald Trump, edging 
out John Boehner with a darker hue of 
orangitude. 

THE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES WERE 
UP THIRTY MINUTES AGO AWARD: 
Donald Trump. 

THE METHINKS THE LADY DOTH 
PROTEST TOO MUCH AWARD: Speaker 
of the House Paul Ryan, for his insistence he 
is not a candidate. 

THE WHATEVER HAPPENED 
TO… AWARD: Obamacare. 

THE LAUREL AND HARDY AWARD: The 
comedy team of Trump and Sarah Palin. 

THE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES 
AWARD. Former Louisiana Governor 
Bobby Jindal, for urging the GOP to “stop 
being the stupid party.” 

THE LEAD BALLOON ENDORSEMENT 
AWARD: A tie between Rick Santorum 
trying to help Marco Rubio, and Chris 
Christie as Donald Trump’s bouncer. 

THE SO LOW ENERGY IT WAS AN 
EFFORT TO KEEP HIS RIGHT EYE OPEN 
AWARD: Former Florida Governor Jeb 
Bush. 

BEST COMING ATTRACTIONS: Marco 
Rubio and Martin O’Malley. 

THE EVERYBODY NEEDS A PONY 
AWARD: Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. 

THE BEAT A DEAD HORSE UNTIL 
YOU’RE COVERED IN A FINE RED 
MIST AWARD: Trey Gowdy and the House 
Benghazi Committee. 

BEST BET TO BE SHORT SHEETED BY A 
MEXICAN MAID AT THE REPUBLICAN 
CONVENTION AWARD: Another tie - 
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz.

——-

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst, distributed 
by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally 
acclaimed columnist, comedian and 
former Pizza Hut assistant manager. For 
sample videos and a calendar of personal 
appearances including his new one- man 
show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every 
Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh, go to 
willdurst.com.

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 MAKING SENSE by MICHAEL Reagan


PAUL RYAN’S 20-20 VISION

 Paul Ryan can see the future.

 He can see that Hillary is going to be the 
next president.

 He can see the Republican Party train 
wreck strewn across the tracks this fall.

Ryan’s not playing coy or hard to get when 
he insists he isn’t running for president 
and doesn’t want to be drafted by the GOP.

 He’s not running – not this year.

 He’s seen too much bad stuff happen to 
Republicans already.

 He’s seen the party’s leading nominee 
calling for the deportation of 11.5 illegal 
immigrants, which is impossible.

 He’s seen a frontrunner saying he’d stop 
Muslims from coming into the U.S., which 
is impossible.

 He’s seen a candidate who mistreats and 
insults women.

 He’s seen a guy, a fake Republican from 
New York City, who thinks he’s got a right 
to get the nomination at the convention 
even if, according to the party’s rules, he 
doesn’t earn enough delegates to win it.

 Now Ryan can see two scenarios, both 
of which are going to be disasters for the 
present and future of the Republican Party.

 Trump wins. Hillary wins.

 Trump loses. Hillary wins.

 If Trump gets his 1,237 delegates and 
becomes the nominee without a contested 
convention, he and the GOP will get 
crushed by Hillary this November.

 Congress could fall into the hands of 
the Democrats and Clinton Family Values 
will be restored to the White House they 
trashed for eight years.

 If Trump loses in Cleveland because he 
didn’t win enough delegates, or because 
the GOP establishment played by the 
rules and the author of “The Art of the 
Deal” didn’t know how to, he and his 
followers will work overtime to sabotage 
the Republican Party’s chances.

Either way, Trump will make sure Hillary 
wins in November, and both the GOP and 
the country will lose.

 The Party of Lincoln and Reagan, 
whether it 
nominates 
Trump or Cruz 
or someone 
else, is headed 
for disaster this 
fall. It’s going 
to get almost 
no votes from 
women, Latinos or blacks.

 Ryan can already see – and hear and feel 
-- the Great Republican Train Wreck of 
2016 coming around the bend.

 He is no dummy. He has no intention 
of becoming the engineer of his party’s 
inevitable self-derailment.

 Four years from now, after Hillary is 
done with us, Ryan wants to become the 
superhero who puts the GOP train back 
on its tracks, resets its guidance system 
to a conservative destination and steers 
Republicans back into power.

 Maybe he’ll do that while serving as 
Speaker of the House – if he still has that 
position after November.

Maybe he’ll go home to Wisconsin and try 
to fix Washington from the outside, not 
the inside.

 Whatever he does, he’s seen how this 
election is going to end and he’s already 
started running for 2020.

——-

 Copyright ©2016 Michael Reagan. 
Michael Reagan is the son of President 
Ronald Reagan, a political consultant, and 
the author of “The New Reagan Revolution” 
(St. Martin’s Press). He is the founder of the 
email service reagan.com and president of 
The Reagan Legacy Foundation. Visit his 
websites at www.reagan.com and www.
michaelereagan.com. Send comments to 
Reagan@caglecartoons.com. Follow @
reaganworld on Twitter. 

 

 Mike’s column is distributed exclusively 
by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. 
For info on using columns contact Sales at 
sales@cagle.com.


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