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OPINIONOPINION

Mountain View News Saturday, February 1, 2025

RICH JOHNSON 

APHORISMS, IFFERISMS & WHATIFFERISMS

MOUNTAIN 
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PASADENA CITY 
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STUART TOLCHIN

PUT THE LIGHTS ON


NOTICE THE WATER


Know what an aphorism is? No, now don’t run and look it up. I didn’t 
know what an aphorism was either. I thought it might be a medical 
condition. “Have you had that aphorism looked at? I’d get it checked 
out.” 

In reality, an aphorism is a literary observation that attempts to communicate 
truth, typically short with a dash of wit. A couple examples:

“Better late than never” (I say that to my editor most every week. Sometimes she agrees)

“To err is human; to forgive, divine” (I say that about 10 times a day)

Ifferisms: Now, let’s move from aphorisms to ifferisms. Ifferisms push us into the world 
of cause and effect. An ifferism has a “then” component, as in If…then. A couple of 
examples of an ifferism:

“If they can put one man on the moon, why can’t they put them all there?”

“If there is no wind, then row.”

And my favorite: “If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, then break your bathroom mirror.” 

“If you are following then, by all means, read on.” (If you are following me, please contact 
me and tell me where I am. I haven’t got a clue.)

Finally, whatifferisms: Whatifferisms differ from ifferisms in that you don’t have to have 
a “then” in a whatifferism. It can be an open-ended question. Whatifferisms can be fun 
in that you can make up your own response:

What if every time you burped, you fainted?

What if your pet could talk? What would it say?

What if you found a talking monkey, or, what if you found a monkey that writes? (that 
would be me)

Before I proceed, critics of my column have credited me with creating a new “ism”…
whocaresism. I would have responded but I really didn’t care…ism.

Let’s focus the rest of the column on ifferisms (the if, then figures of speech). We are 
most aware of ifferisms as our parents beat us over the head with them while growing 
up. And, in turn, we do the same to our offspring. I’ll start with the most egregious ifferism 
foisted upon children by their parents:

“If it tastes good, it’s bad for you.” (says who…my gramma)

Ifferisms pointed at me by my “friends” (I’ll personalize these for interpretation 
purposes)

“If brains were dynamite, Rich couldn’t blow his nose.”

If Rich were smarter, we could teach him to fetch.”

Writer Truman Capote gave us this Californian’s great ifferism: “If you stay in California, 
you lose one point of IQ every year.” (Yeah, so what’s an IQ?)

Beverly Hillbillies legend Jed Clampett described Jethro this way: “If brains were lard, 
that boy wouldn’t have enough to grease a skillet.”

I

rish playwright George Bernard Shaw wrote a descriptive ifferism about the English: “If 
the English can survive their food, they can survive anything?”

Shakespeare gave us in “The Merchant of Venice”, the following quote: “But love is blind 
and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that they themselves commit.” 

Benjamin Franklin summed up the whole issue with his aphorism: 

“If you would be loved, love and be lovable.”

I consider myself squishy lovable. And the ifferism I most live by: 

“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.” 

Works for me.

Finally another plug for Sierra Madre’s new book store, Fables & Fanices. Its right (or 
is it write) there at 50 W. Sierra Madre Blvd. on the south side of the street about 5 or 6 
businesses west of Baldwin, right next to Corfu Restaurant.

Owner Ana is typically there minding the store. I found a couple of gems already. 
Bought my daughter a little gift book of what cats are really saying when all you hear is 
“meow”. A must for all people who are owned by their cats. I also scored a quote book 
by none other than Dolly Parton. Dolly is much more than a pretty face…no, don’t go 
there. I’m referring to her cleverness and brilliance. Go there. 

The cat quote book and the Dolly Parton quote book are must haves. Perfect gifts. Their 
number is (626) 665-8856. A perfect plan is to go score a fun read at Fables and Fancies 
and enjoy the book over breakfast, brunch, lunch or dinner at Corfu right next door.

And tell Ana, that knucklehead Rich recommended the excursion. And… thank you 
to those who enjoy my column. I write hoping you enrich your lives and color your 
communications with a contribution or two. P.S. I’ve been encouraged to consider publishing 
a few hundred of my columns in a book. If you have a thought or a comment 
on that hair(less) brained idea let me know. Rich@versatape.com is my email address. 
Enjoy your week.

There is a commencement speech given by David Foster 
Wallace to the graduating class of Kenyon College on 
May 21, 2005. The speech is about awareness and 
consciousness and choice. The speech begins with a 
description of two young fish swimming along and they 
happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way. 
The older fish nods at them and says “Morning, boys. 
How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then 
eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes “What the hell 
is water?”

Do you get the point? Most of us ignore what is all around us most of 
the time. We take it all for granted until something changes. The young 
fish did not notice or even think about the water because there was no 
need to. There was always enough water for them to comfortably swim 
along and go about their life. It is only when change occurs, when there 
is suddenly not enough water, and the young fish become uncomfortable 
that they will have to realize that they have to pay attention and make 
choices. The older fish has reminded them, whether they realize it or not, 
that there is a need to prepare and be ready for change.

Well, people of Sierra Madre, our times have changed. We have lived in 
our paradise just going along happily appreciating our mountains and our 
views and spending our times thinking about vacations and what to do in 
retirement and perhaps worrying that our kids or grand kids are spending 
too much time on their cell phones. There have been a few troublesome 
occurrences like the closing of favorite independent restaurants and the 
absence of bookstores and the rising prices of groceries, but overall life 
was manageable and then with little warning—BOOM.

Fires and hundred miles per hour winds have raged around us resulting 
in orders to evacuate our homes. For well over a week, we have been 
forced to live in hotels or in cramped conditions with relatives who 
eventually became sick of us. 

Finally, when we were allowed to return home, we all learned of close 
friends and relatives living in nearby Altadena had lost their homes 
together with all their belongings to the fire. For us, a final indignity was 
that after returning home we were not allowed to drink the water from 
the faucet or even use it to wash our hands or brush our teeth. Bottled 
water was required for another week and believe me, it is hard to shower 
or bathe using only bottled water. Kind of reminds you of the young fish, 
doesn’t it?

Of course, that is not the end of our problems. Donald J. Trump has been 
reinaugurated as President and unpleasant changes have already occurred 
and continue to occur as I struggle to create this article. Trump and his 
billionaire cohorts have taken power and intend to treat the nation as if 
it is a corporation and Trump and Musk and Bezos are the CEOs. The 
Constitution is being ignored and governmental benefits and safeguards 
that we have all taken for granted are now being threatened. You have 
heard all this before and you know it is not a dream so what do we do? 
How do we protect ourselves?

I wish I knew the answer, but the Wallace speech is helpful. Our greatest 
tool is our own awareness. What do we value and how do we continue 
or at least begin to think positively. I think the most important thing 
is to realize that we are not alone. Isolation goes hand in hand with 
depression. Being ready to help others is a way of helping ourselves. I 
am joining book clubs and volunteering largely to be around people who 
are doing something to help others. 

I have stopped watching negative newscasts and have resolved to be more 
polite and respectful to other people. That is not a bad idea, and it feels 
pretty good. 

I have given myself deadlines by which I intend to accomplish things such 
as reading and writing. Maybe that’s not enough but I will keep writing 
and intend to let you know how let you know how I am doing. We need 
each other, but we all must be aware and notice the water around us. 


HOWARD Hays As I See It

“This us versus them thing is the most dangerous thing 
we’re confronting, but as long as people are rewarded for it 
politically it will continue.” 

– Bill Clinton at Georgetown University (2017)

 

Later this Summer we’ll be marking the eightieth anniversary of the end of the Second 
World War. There’s been renewed appreciation of its relevancy; how fascism was allowed 
to take root, the fight against it and how so many Americans were initially opposed 
to engaging in that fight. A couple examples of Americans’ dedication and heroism 
from that period made the news last week.

One is the Tuskegee Airmen – 14,000 of our first Black fighter pilots with support staff 
who helped ensure victory by escorting bombers on missions over Europe. Their record 
in combat helped lead President Truman to desegregate our armed forces in 1948.

The other is the Women’s Airforce Service Pilots - the WASPS. Over a thousand women 
ferried combat aircraft around the country, towed targets for live anti-aircraft practice 
and trained other pilots – freeing up the men for duty overseas. 38 of these women died 
in service.

Both had been included in the history curriculum for Air Force recruits. And both had 
instructional materials on them pulled from that curriculum in order to, according to 
the Air Force, “fully execute and implement all directives outlined in the Executive Orders 
issued by the President” - as this coursework might suggest DEI.

Bernice King, CEO of the MLK Jr. Center, reacted, “Believing or asserting for the sheer 
purpose of erasure that the #TuskegeeAirmen are ‘DEI hires’ or that teaching about 
them is 'CRT' = racism + gross miseducation + willful ignorance." Rep. Terri Sewell 
(D-AL) adds, “Their heroism is not DEI. It is American history!" The White House 
responded to Newsweek, "President Trump promised to terminate DEI in the federal 
government. . . and he delivered."

Following an outcry, the materials were soon returned to the curriculum. Even our new 
Defense Secretary, Pete Hegseth, spoke out in support of the Tuskegee Airmen - though 
not offering similar support for the women of the WASPS. 

Studying history, I’d started in on “Mein Kampf”. In the early pages its author, Adolf 
Hitler, described how after serving in WWI he returned home seeking work in building 
trades – but could never hold a job for long. This had nothing to do with his own stellar 
skills, he explained, but was because the industry was controlled by the Jews.

This narrative was reflected in a TV commercial for the re-election of Sen. Jesse Helms 
(R-NC) – a pair of white hands crumples an apparent rejection notice with the narration, 
“You needed that job. . . but they had to give it to a minority”.

And now, inability to get that job or be awarded that promotion has nothing to do with 
you, but rather it’s because “they” had to give it to some “DEI hire”, instead.

Most have experienced self-doubt and disappointment that things weren’t going as we 
thought they should. For some, there’s a degree of consolation in believing it had nothing 
to do with any personal shortcomings, but rather the fault of some undeserving 
“them” who’s deprived “us” of what’s rightfully ours. Frustration leads to anger, and that 
anger can be manipulated and channeled.

For Hitler, exploiting that widely-shared anger helped swell the ranks of his brownshirts. 
For Jesse Helms, it won him re-election to the Senate. And with Trump, it’s like – you’ll 
get that job or promotion once we get rid of DEI. Inflation? Watch how housing costs 
drop after we deport those immigrant families. If you don’t think we’re serious, check 
out Dr. Phil at that ICE raid in Chicago. Sure, the economy’s important - but these 
transgender folks! In the meantime, just keep putting your money into our Trump 
crypto. MAGA!

This attack on DEI isn’t confined to the federal government. The party traditionally of 
“free enterprise” and limited government now has a Justice Department ordered to compile 
information on corporations, non-profits, professional associations and universities 
that might have such programs themselves.

As outlined in Forbes, companies adopt DEI because it helps their bottom line. Those 
with a more diverse workforce, especially at the executive level, outperform those that 
don’t. It results in more “innovation and creativity”, is more likely to “attract and retain 
top talent”, has been shown to “accelerate complex problem-solving” and “enhances 
team morale”. But now these companies are considered suspect, facing possible sanctions, 
under orders of the President.

The term “DEI hire” is used to smear someone’s race and/or gender without explicitly 
smearing someone’s race and/or gender. It suggests doubts about background and 
qualifications, as it’s been used against Kamala Harris and LAFD Chief Kristin Crowley, 
both with unquestioned qualifications and up-through-the-ranks backgrounds. The 
irony is that those most fond of the term are in the process of seating perhaps the most 
unqualified Cabinet in our history.

In WWII there were those separate units for Black airmen and women pilots, but all 
were united as one in service to our country. As Bill Clinton reminded at the DNC in 
1992, “This is America. There is no ‘them’. There is only ‘us’”.

History shows that those who instead try to aggravate division - warring against ideals 
like Diversity, Equity and Inclusion - are in it neither for “us” nor for “them”. They’re 
only in it for themselves.


Mountain Views News 80 W Sierra Madre Blvd. No. 327 Sierra Madre, Ca. 91024 Office: 626.355.2737 Fax: 626.609.3285 Email: editor@mtnviewsnews.com Website: www.mtnviewsnews.com