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OPINIONOPINION

Mountain Views News May 9, 2026

RICH JOHNSON

Crews Can Do, Hedy Did Too, and More or Less

STUART TOLCHIN

PUT THE LIGHTS ON


WHERE DO WE FIT IN?

 At first, I intended to title this week’s article as “MY APOLOGY”. 
This need for an apology stemmed from my reading of last week’s 
article rewritten by something called Chat GPT, at least that is what the 
message calls the rewriter on my iPhone. I have remained pridefully 
technologically ignorant—I’m not sure why. I think I just hate the 
idea that machines or non-humans- or whatever they are, can handle 
problems better than I can. Of course, this is nonsense. Whenever 
something goes wrong, I look at it as an opportunity to ask someone else for help. I think 
I am giving the opportunity to display their expertise for my benefit which in a way allows 
me to feel superior in the midst of my lifelong ineptitude.

 I know that attitude makes little sense but that’s who I am and the attitude has 
allowed me to tolerate myself amid always needing so much help. I think I am being as 
truthful and authentic as I can be. One thing I do take pride in is my mind. I am always 
pondering, thinking about deep important questions that probably have no answer. To me 
it is the questions, the continual searching that I find satisfying and important. I do my best 
to try and share this continual feeling of searching with readers, both real and imagined. 
in my weekly articles which have appeared in the local paper, The Mountain Views News 
beginning in 2008.

 It is the thinking about the articles more than the finished product that gives me 
satisfaction. On Sundays, my wife drives me to our main street, and I pick up the paper. I 
open the paper, find my article, and experience an inner satisfaction. Is it connection, or 
completion, or just the satisfaction of completing an obligation for which I am never paid 
and often not particularly appreciated. In fact, many replies ask why I keep writing about 
myself and wonder why I skip from subject to subject or bother at all. I have a couple of 
old friends and a few new ones who always write positive replies, and these replies are 
very inspiring and sustaining to me, but I do not think I keep writing to seek validation or 
approval.

 Enough of these introductory paragraphs. I originally intended to apologize to 
all readers after reading my rewritten article as fabricated by AI. The article was submitted 
to AI by a friend who believed he was being helpful. At first I maintained that I was 
disinterested. Of course, everything can be improved. This last article I wrote under time 
pressure while my body was hurting and I worried about my health and approaching 
dementia. I think there were also problems with the computer, and I may not have even 
reread it prior to my wife sending it from the computer to the editor. No, I don’t even know 
how to do that. Actually, I never like to reread my articles. I always feel dissatisfied and if I 
try to make corrections or additions, I foul everything up.

 Enough excuses! There are always excuses. You probably have some excuse as to 
why you have not been able to focus on the article. There is background noise, or something 
important for you to do, or a sporting event is just starting or something. Nevertheless, 
there is no way around it, the rewritten article by AI is just better. Not only is it more 
readable, it is funnier, but it also includes the very point that I struggled to make about 
failing and frustration only being temporary. The comments after the article describes it 
“not merely an essay----it is the beginning of a late-life philosophical memoir told from 
inside the storm. It speaks of my political outrage, my existential dread, my self-deprecating 
humor, and my tenderness toward readers.”

 Importantly for me it states the key editorial rule, “ DO NOT OVER POLISH 
STUART’S VOICE, IT’S WANDERING QUALITY IS THE AUTHENTICITY. “ As 
humans we are what we are and we have the responsibility to keep trying to do our best 
whatever that means. Regret does not help much but being aware of the present and caring 
about the future remains important. There is new technology which should be seen only as 
our assistant and not as our replacement. Please keep reading my articles and if you want 
to see how AI would have rewritten it. Go ahead. Right now, I will submit the article and 
after it comes out, I may ask AI to look at it. Perhaps I will learn something and learning is 
a good idea for all of us, especially me. 

When I grow up, I want to be like the underachieving celebrity Terry Crews (If you are not 
driving and don’t know who Terry Crews, Google his name. He is ubiquitous. What does 
ubiquitous mean? Leet me look it up. Ubiquitous means “present, appearing, or found 
everywhere” (like the number of times I mentioned “ubiquitous”.

He has a secret ability I will disclose to the world (or at least to you who are reading 
this column). Before I give you a peek at his considerable accomplishments I want you to know I have 
something Terry doesn’t have…more hair. 

But enough about me. Prior to his acting achievements, Terry, had a storied career in professional football 
playing for the Rams, Chargers and Redskins. He was the Time Magazine “Person of the Year” for 2017. 
(I admit I never made “Who’s Who” but on consecutive years I made “What’s That”). 

Let’s move on. After football, this underachiever named Crews, started doing “Old Spice” commercials, 
graduating to several sitcoms including “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, cartoon voice overs and a host on 
“America’s Got Talent” for a number of years. 

Terry and I share two attributes: Our faith and our musical abilities. I, of course, am simultaneously an up 
and coming down and out rock star. Terry is an accomplished flute player. Here, in America, we call him 
a flutist. In Britain they would call him a flautist. (The Brits misspell a lot.)

Let’s give Terry a break and divert to many of the other celebrities we know and love, who have lesser-
known skills, talents and obsessions. Let’s take a gander (or is it a goose), shall we? 

I’ll lead with the phenomenal achievement of Justin Biebers. who can solve a “Rubik’s Cube” in under two 
minutes (Justin don’t quit your day job.) Daniel Day-Lewis can make you a pair of shoes if you ask him 
nicely. Neil Patrick Harris is a master magician. (I wonder if he can make about 40 pounds disappear.)

Taylor Swift makes and jars…jam. Raspberry jam to be exact. Actress Geena Davis is an Olympic caliber 
archer. Jodie Foster is fluent in Spanish, Italian and French.

Emma Stone has an Olympic caliber ability on a pogo stick. Margot Robbie can design and ink a tattoo 
for and on you. Angelina Jolie is an expert knife thrower.

Possibly the most extraordinary extra celebrity talent, skill and ability were demonstrated by the inventions 
of 1930’s-40’s actress Hedy Lamarr. In fact, to this day, Hedy is considered “the mother of WiFi”. Ms. 
Lamarr pioneered the technology that formed the basis for today’s WiFi, GPS and Bluetooth technology 
communication systems. She was encouraged by her one-time boyfriend, Howard Hughes. Ms. Lamarr 
once bought a book of fish and a book of birds, analyzed the fins on the fastest fish and the wings of the 
fastest birds and sketched a new wing design for Hughes’ airplanes. When Hughes saw what Lamarr 
designed he told her she…” was a genius”.

Fellow musician Brian May (founder of the band “Queen” with Freddie Mercury) is also a astrophysicist 
having a degree in Math and Physics from Imperial College, one of Britains top universities. 

And finally, my hero Christopher Walken. Born Ronald Walken (named after one of my favorite actors, 
Ronald Colman). At 16, Christopher got his first big break in the entertainment industry…a summer job 
as a trainee lion tamer in the circus. Walken tells us his partner, the lion, was named “Sheba”. He described 
Sheba as blissful. Walken would come into the cage every day and wave his whip. He said Sheba would 
lazily get up, sit like a dog and give a little roar. And I ain’t lion…errr lyin’. What people don’t generally 
know about Christopher Walken is he is also quite a dancer.

I hope this is dazzling enough for a week. If I ever amaze and delight you let my editor know. I could use 
a raise. Maybe two times. By the way, any mathematicians out there? If so, please contact me and tell me 
what two times zero adds up to? (At some point it’s got to start adding up).

Doncha’ think? (I get asked that a lot.)

P.S. Love your family. Shock at least one member with a surprise act of kindness. Out of the blue.

HOWARD Hays As I See It


“It just can’t be the way we operate. We can’t set up a multi-million-
dollar ATM at Mar-a-Lago for people who have committed crimes.” – 
Former FBI Director James Comey



Last January, President Trump, along with sons Eric and Don Jr., sued 
the IRS for leaking their tax returns seven years earlier. Second-term 
Trump was suing for what took place under first-term Trump. It was 
Citizen Trump suing the IRS, part of the Treasury Department under 
President Trump, for $10 billion in taxpayer money. This was half the amount of the 
2016 BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill settlement ($20.8 billion), where specified damages 
included an explosion killing 11 people and an 87-day spill with $16 billion in clean-up 
costs alone. Specified damages in Trump’s suit include “public embarrassment” and that it 
“unfairly tarnished” his reputation.



Trump promised all proceeds would go not to him but to charity. As one observer posted 
on Threads, “The last time Trump gave money to charity, it was his own charity scam that 
was shut down” (with a fine of $2 million for misusing funds). The US District Judge 
assigned to this IRS matter was to hold a hearing last week on whether the whole thing 
should just be dropped. Court-appointed lawyers argued, “This case is unprecedented. A 
sitting president seeks monetary damages for alleged harm to his personal interests from an 
executive agency that he controls."



But two days before the scheduled hearing, a “settlement” was reached – taking it out of 
the court’s hands. Thousands of other taxpayers had had their returns leaked in that same 
breach. When they filed lawsuits, the Justice Department argued sovereign immunity to get 
them tossed out. But with Trump, they went right to settlement talks. Trump sues the IRS, 
which is under Trump, with a settlement drawn up by the Department of Justice, also under 
Trump, headed by Trump’s former personal lawyer, forming a commission named – wait 
for it – “The President Donald J. Trump Truth and Justice Commission”. Sen. Bill Cassidy 
(R-LA) explains, “It is as if somebody sued themselves and agreed upon a settlement with 
themselves that’s going to be funded by the rest of us. If that’s the case: What?!” 



This Commission would have a $1.8 billion “Anti-Weaponization” fund courtesy of 
taxpayers, led by five members appointed by Trump’s Attorney General (a position once 
thought of as the United States’ Attorney General). Payments would go to those who’d been 
“victimized” by the “weaponization” of the Justice Department under President Biden, with 
no required disclosures as to who gets how much or how that’s decided. When asked if 
funds could go to January 6 rioters convicted of assaulting federal officers in the attack on 
our Capitol, acting AG Todd Blanche says that would be up to the commissioners. When 
Trump was asked if funds could go to himself or family members personally, he said that 
would be up to the commissioners, as well – commissioners fully aware their being there is 
totally up to Trump. And the government would be forever barred from looking into any 
Trump tax returns already on file.



Sen. Ron Wyden (D-OR) notes, “This administration is dripping with corruption from 
top to bottom, but rushing a settlement to steal $1.7 billion taxpayer dollars for a slush 
fund before a judge can toss your junk lawsuit would be among the most corrupt acts in 
American history.” 



Adds Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD), “This case is nothing but a racket designed to take $1.7 
billion of taxpayer dollars out of the Treasury and pour it into a huge slush fund for Trump 
at DOJ to hand out to his private militia of insurrectionists, rioters, and white supremacists, 
including those who brutally beat police officers on January 6, 2021, and sycophant 
accomplices to his election stealing schemes”.



Here are some names:



There’s Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison, 
Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey, Rep. Jason Crow (D-CO), Rep. Maggie Goodlander (D-
NH), Rep. Chrissy Houlihan (D-PA), Rep. Chris Deluzio (D-PA), Sen. Elissa Slotkin (D-
MI), Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ), Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell, former National 
Security Advisor John Bolton, Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, Sen. Adam Schiff (D-
CA), Former CIA Director John Brennan, NYC Comptroller Brad Ladner, Sen. Alex Padilla 
(D-CA), SEIU California President David Huerta, NY Attorney General Letitia James, Rep. 
Lamonica McIver (D-NJ), Newark Mayor Ras Baraka, Milwaukee Circuit Court Judge Hon. 
Hannah Dugan, former DHS Cybersecurity Director Chris Krebs, former DHS Chief of 
Staff Miles Taylor, the Southern Poverty Law Center, Kilmar Abrego Garcia and former FBI 
Director James Comey, who’s quoted above.



They’re all victims of “lawfare”; the “weaponization” of the Justice Department under 
President Donald Trump targeting perceived enemies – and we’re not even halfway into 
his second term. They probably won’t be availing themselves of this “Anti-Weaponization” 
fund, though. It’s slated to expire the month before Trump leaves office. 



In her commentary for Salon, Heather Digby Parton explains why Trump, like any mob 
boss or cult leader, needs to protect and handsomely reward followers who’d lie, cheat, 
betray their oath to the Constitution, commit violence and go to jail out of devotion to him. 
It’s because “After all, he may very well need them again.”



The settlement also requires the United States to issue an official apology to Donald Trump.



“We’re not perfect, but they’re nuts.” – Barney Frank (1940-2026)


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