Mountain Views News, Combined Edition Saturday, August 5, 2023

12

OPINIONOPINION

Mountain View News Saturday, August 5, 2023 

DINAH CHONG WATKINS

CLOSE 

ENCOUNTERS OF THE 
WRONG KIND


MOUNTAIN 
VIEWS

NEWS

PUBLISHER/ EDITOR

Susan Henderson

PASADENA CITY 
EDITOR

Dean Lee 

PRODUCTION

SALES

Patricia Colonello

626-355-2737 

626-818-2698

WEBMASTER

John Aveny 

DISTRIBUTION

Peter Lamendola

CONTRIBUTORS

Stuart Tolchin 

Harvey Hyde

Audrey Swanson

Meghan Malooley

Mary Lou Caldwell

Kevin McGuire

Chris Leclerc

Dinah Chong Watkins

Howard Hays

Paul Carpenter

Kim Clymer-Kelley

Christopher Nyerges

Peter Dills 

Rich Johnson

Lori Ann Harris

Rev. James Snyder

Katie Hopkins

Deanne Davis

Despina Arouzman

Jeff Brown

Marc Garlett

Keely Toten

Dan Golden

Rebecca Wright

Hail Hamilton

Joan Schmidt

LaQuetta Shamblee

RICH JOHNSON 

NOW THAT’S RICH

STUART TOLCHIN


PUT THE LIGHTS 
ON

QUIRKS

Are you quirky? Am I quirky? Do I 
look quirky?

If I were you, I wouldn’t read my 
column this week. I’m ignoring 
it as I write it. I can only hope it fades from my 
consciousness.

I suppose all people have quirks. If you’re a regular 
guy or gal, your quirks make you just weird. If you 
are a famous celebrity (like me), quirks make you 
look cute.

Let us take a peek at other famous people’s peculiar 
quirks.

First off, it’s hard to believe that Pamela Anderson 
and I have the same quirk…reflection phobia. Neither 
of us likes to look at ourselves in a mirror.

Kate Hudson, every morning, plunges her face into 
a bowl of ice and water for as long as she can.

Mark Zuckerberg is not a vegetarian. However, he 
only eats animals he personally kills himself.

If Kanye West comes to your house for dinner, don’t 
be surprised if he falls asleep. Wife Kim says he can 
fall asleep anywhere and often does. 

Cameron Diaz uses her elbows to open door knobs. 
She says it’s a cleanliness obsession. No kidding.

Demi Moore is big into leech therapy. You heard 
it right. She attaches them and they detoxify her 
blood.

Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t bathe, telling us it is really 
unnecessary and our bodies naturally clean themselves. 
He does admit he works on his breath and 
manners.

Jim Carrey calls himself on the phone every day at 
11:00am pretending to be someone from his past 
telling him some news.

Christian Bale has the habit of intentionally doing 
the opposite of all things lucky like walking under 
ladders.

Benjamin Franklin exclusively dated older women. 
He was the first “cougar chaser”.

And not that we believe Andy Warhol would do 
anything weird…but listen to this: He would create 
time capsules. Fill each one with treasured objects. 
He even put a pair of legendary actor Clark Gable’s 
old boots in a time capsule. At the time of his death 
he had 600 time capsules laying around. You can 
go see those time capsules at the Andy Warhol Museum 
(It’s in Pittsburgh and cost $35.)

Charles Dickens and I shared the same quirk. He 
was obsessed with brushing his hair. Me too. By the 
way, has anyone seen my hair? I can’t find it.

Finally, very short notice promoting a concert you 
do not want to miss. IT’S TONIGHT, Saturday, August 
5th at Nano Café. 6:30-9:30. The DooDrops! 
A group that performs 50’s and 60’s Doo-Wop and 
Motown hits. I’ll be there. Come join us for dinner 
and quite a show. 322 Sierra Madre Blvd. Sierra 
Madre (626) 325-3334.

LESSONS FOR 

OLD MEN

This morning my wife and I 
are getting ready to pick up our 
granddaughter for swimming 
lessons. At four she has already had swimming lessons, 
ballet lessons, music lessons and some other 
kind which I have already forgotten. It occurred to 
me that as much as children need lessons old men like 
me could also be helped by lessons. On the weekend 
my granddaughter’s parents, my son and I all went 
to a soccer game. See already we run into a problem. 
The parents of my granddaughter, my daughter and 
her partner are not married. They have been living 
together for many years and have no intention of 
marrying. In fact my daughter, a lawyer, is very opposed 
to the whole idea of marriage. Great, that is her 
business I guess but how do I refer to the two of them.

 So sue me—what can I say, I’m an old man 
and it’s not always easy to adapt to changing cultural 
standards. Another example of this kind of problem 
is how does one refer to past relationships without 
making a present spouse uncomfortable?

 My wife and I have been married pretty happily 
for almost thirty years but I did have a life before 
that. Secretly, I look at obituaries and I bet I’m not 
alone in this.

 In the past few years I have learned that several 
past loves, or whatever you call them, have died. 
There is something very sad about this. Not only was 
I unaware of their death but I have had no time or 
place to even think much about it. My friend whose 
wife of over fifty years has recently passed away has 
spent the last six months, as he calls it, “grieving”. 
Of course that is understandable but how does one 
“grieve” for old lost girlfriends. I was never even informed 
about their funerals. Actually that is a problem 
in our current culture wherein the old traditions 
don’t meet current needs. The only funerals I go to, 
or am even informed about are the funerals of current 
friends, or the parents of friends or in-laws.

 Speaking of current old and ageing current 
older friends, another problem we share is age differences 
with our partners. It is very common for 
men like me to have partners that are significantly 
younger. Generally, perhaps at one time, our future 
partners saw us as protective, economically stable, 
experienced, or for some reason attractive. Now the 
years have advanced. We have become hard of hearing; 
we have lost our sense of direction and while before 
we were reliable pathfinders, we now become lost 
or confused. Our driving is now in question and our 
partners insist upon being the drivers.

 Another problem is that we are simply not 
prepared to be old. Recently at a sporting event I became 
separated from the rest of my family. We had all 
been seated together high up in tiered stadium seats 
and as we walked down the stairs I couldn’t keep up. 
Nobody noticed and they all went to the bathroom or 
something. I just kept walking to the exit gates and 
was lost among twenty thousand people. I reached 
for my phone to call and, of course, it had no power. 

 Eventually, through the efforts of Security 
People, Sheriffs, and my son, after about 45 minutes 
we were reunited. I felt abandoned and humiliated. 
There is an important lesson here for everyone; 
but, especially for elderly people. BE PREPARED. 
Keep a list of phone numbers in your wallet 
separate from your phone. When leaving the house 
check to see if your phone has power. Really the best 
advice for older men, as suggested by a friend of mine, 
is to marry an organized understanding woman who 
will help you to prepare. Unfortunately, his organized 
wife still becomes irritated at his lapses and she, 
and many others could benefit. My wife will proofread 
this article as she is aware of my frequent errors 
but still becomes irritated at my increasing need for 
assistance. As things get even harder we do the best 
we can. WARNING we all should be prepared for 
changing and potentially more difficult times. 

PLANES, TRAINS AND 
AUTOMOBILES: PART I

“Anticipation, an-tiss-it-pay-eh-shun, 
it’s making me wait, it’s keeping me 
way-eh-eh-eh-eh-aate-ting…” Carly Simon's song of 
lovers and longing streams in my mind as I wait for the 
Green Line Transit bus. The official route schedules are 
promoted like hard evidence unearthed on “60 Minutes” 
but in reality, it’s more of a wish list, like writing a letter 
to Santa. 

I grumble but once I spot that lumbering, wide nose 
High Occupancy Vehicle lurching towards me my heart 
sparks with joy. I step up through the double folding 
doors and am enveloped in a cool jet of air conditioning 
or the warm breath of heat, depending on the season. If 
it’s off hours, an unyielding grey, plastic seat - by the window 
no less, awaits my tired bones. If it’s rush hour, then 
it’s a loose hand strap, swaying 3 inches above my reach. 
The bus jerks to a standstill, I avail myself on the yellow 
safety poles lining the aisle. Note to self - bathe in Purell 
when I get home.

The transit bus. What other public conveyance allows 
you to travel a freeway's length of miles for less than a 
Starbucks Frappuccino and notify the driver with a 
buzzer when you want to get off? When I ride the bus, 
I’ve got the Public Transit Authority as my personal 
chauffeur. And the transfers! For the price of one ticket 
you can transfer between buses and even the subway. Yes, 
it’s a long arduous trek and not really worth it except in 
the throes of a new found love or a One Day Sale at Baja 
Ranch Market. 

In a subway car, all eyes are locked into their phone 
screens, earbuds barricading each other in their inner silos. 
But there’s community on a transit bus. I once found 
myself visiting the sights in Manhattan, free of the conscripts 
of a TripAdvisor arranged tour group. No matching 
blue baseball caps for me, I’m big enough to take a 
bite of the Big Apple alone. In a rookie move, I boarded 
the city bus with a five dollar bill. 

“Exact change only.” said the driver.

“But, I don’t have anything smaller…”

“Go ask the other passengers.” he said as we pulled away 
from the curb.

Self-consciously, I walked down the aisle meekly waving 
my five dollar bill, whispering for change. New Yorkers 
are renowned for putting people in their place, was five 
bucks really worth getting dumped on? I was three rows 
before hitting the guy strewn out on the back row, it was 
likely he’d take my bill and give nothing in return. That 
blue baseball cap would look good on me now. 

“Here honey, I’ve got change.”

A woman, her face deeply etched from long hours and 
meager wages, leaned out from her window seat, and 
passed me dollar bills. It was my own “Miracle on 34th 
Street” moment. Who said New Yorkers were mean and 
rude? Not on a city bus - nope. When there’s a couple of 
dozen commuters secured in a slow moving vehicle in 
the midst of bike messengers hopped up on Red Bull, illegal 
taxis, Door Dash drivers and pugnacious pedestrians, 
you bond for the ride.

Hey, my stop is coming up. I'll buzz my chauffeur. 

Dinah Chong Watkins column appears every 1st and 3rd 
Saturday of the month.

For more Close Encounters Of The Wrong Kind go to 
www.ceotwk.com

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Mountain Views News 80 W Sierra Madre Blvd. No. 327 Sierra Madre, Ca. 91024 Office: 626.355.2737 Fax: 626.609.3285 Email: editor@mtnviewsnews.com Website: www.mtnviewsnews.com