Mountain Views News          Saturday, September 18, 2010

10

OPINION

 Mountain Views News Saturday, September 18, 2010 

Think We Have An Illegal Immigration Problem?

HAIL Hamilton

My Turn

Mountain Views

News

Publisher/ Editor

Susan Henderson

City Editor

Dean Lee 

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Patricia Colonello

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Allison Kirkham

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Richard Garcia

Photography

Jacqueline Truong

Lina Johnson

Contributors

Teresa Baxter

Pat Birdsall

Bob Eklund

Howard Hays

Paul Carpenter

Stuart Tolchin

Kim Clymer-Kelley

Christopher Nyerges

Peter Dills 

Hail Hamilton 

Rich Johnson

Chris Bertrand

Mary Carney

La Quetta Shamblee

Glenn Lambdin

Greg Wellborn

Ralph McKnight

Trish Collins

Pat Ostrye

Editorial Cartoonist

Ann Cleaves

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John Aveny 

 
The Manitoba Herald 
recently reported that 
the flood of American 
liberals sneaking across 
the border into Canada 
has intensified in the 
past week, sparking 
calls for increased 
patrols to stop the 
illegal immigration. The 
recent actions of the 
American Tea Party are 
prompting an exodus 
among left-leaning 
citizens who fear they’ll 
soon be required to 
hunt, pray and to agree 
with Bill O’Reilly and 
Glenn Beck. Canadian 
border farmers say 
it’s not uncommon 
to see dozens of 
sociology professors, 
animal-rights activists, 
administration officials, 
Bayer employees, and 
Unitarians crossing 
their fields at night. 

 

 “I went out to milk the 
cows the other day and 
there was a Hollywood 
producer huddled in the 
barn,” said Manitoba 
farmer Red Greenfield, 
whose acreage borders 
North Dakota. The 
producer was cold, 
exhausted and hungry. 
“He asked me if I could 
spare a latte and some 
free-range chicken. 
When I said I didn’t have 
any, he left before I even 
got a chance to show 
him my screen play.” 
In an effort to stop the 
illegal aliens, Greenfield 
erected higher fences; 
but the liberals scaled 
them. He then installed 
loudspeakers that blared 
Rush Limbaugh across 
the fields. “Not real 
effective,” he said. “The 
liberals still got through 
and Rush annoyed the 
cows so much that they 
wouldn’t give any milk.”

 

 Officials are parti-
cularly concerned 
about smugglers who 
meet liberals near 
the Canadian border, 
pack them into Volvo 
and Mercedes station 
wagons and drive them 
across the border where 
they are simply left to 
fend for themselves. 
“A lot of these people 
are not prepared for 
our rugged conditions,” 
an Ontario border 
patrolman said. “I 
found one carload in a 
Mercedes wagon

without a single bottle 
of imported drinking 
water. They did have a 
nice little Napa Valley 
Cabernet, though.” 

 

When liberals are 
caught, they’re sent back 
across the border, often 
wailing loudly that they 
fear retribution from 
conservatives. Rumors 
have been circulating 
about plans being made 
to build re-education 
camps where liberals 
will be forced to drink 
domestic beer, watch 
NASCAR races and 
read the Constitution. 

In recent days, liberals 
have turned to ingenious 
ways of crossing the 
border. Some have 
been disguised as senior 
citizens taking a bus trip 
to buy cheap Canadian 
prescription drugs. 
After catching a half 
dozen young vegans in 
powdered wig disguises, 
Canadian immigration 
authorities began 
stopping buses and 
quizzing the supposed 
senior citizens about 
Perry Como and 
Rosemary Clooney to 
prove that they were 
alive in the ‘50’s. “If 
they can’t identify the 
accordion player on 
The Lawrence Welk 
Show, we become very 
suspicious about their 
age,” an official said. 

 

Canadian citizens have 
complained that the 
illegal immigrants are 
creating an organic 
broccoli shortage and 
are renting all the 
Michael Moore movies. 
“I really feel sorry for 
American liberals, but 
the Canadian economy 
just can’t support them,” 
an Ottawa resident said. 
“How many art history 
and English majors does 
one country need?” 

Canada isn’t our 
only neighbor upset 
about the invasion of 
unwanted Americans. 

Mexico City’s La Prensa 
reported last week that 
Mexican immigration 
officials are alarmed 
about the thousands 
of Americans illegally 
entering their country 
each day, and have filed 
a formal complaint with 
U.S. ambassador. They 
say these undocumented 
migrants “are mostly 
unemployed middle-
class political moderates 
fleeing persecution 
and public humiliation 
for their opposition 
to the liberal-socialist 
agenda of the Obama 
administration.” 

One official complained 
that “these gringos are 
abusing the Mexican 
legal system by claiming 
refugee status under 
the UN Convention 
Relating to the Status 
of Refugees, and 
are costing Mexico 
millions of dollars 
for resort quality 
detention facilities, not 
to mention clogging 
up our immigration 
courts with a backlog 
of frivolous deportation 
appeals to process.” 

He said, “I fear the 
influx of so many Norte 
Americanos with their 
innovative ideas of free 
enterprise could have 
a catastrophic impact 
on the our economy 
by challenging our 
tradition of corruption, 
and could even threaten 
the very existence of our 
wealthy ruling elite.” He 
warned, “Order could 
quickly turn into chaos.” 

Drug cartels are 
also fearful of the 
American invaders. A 
cartel boss said, “The 
idea of thousands 
of well-armed and 
well-organized NRA 
members moving south 
is very disturbing.” He 
complained, “Fighting 
the Mexican Army is 
one thing, but going 
up against a profit-
motivated efficiency-
based all-volunteer 
armed force of greedy 
capitalist crusaders 
screaming ‘God Bless 
the Almighty Buck’ is 
quite another.”

Think we have an 
illegal immigration 
problem? Think again. 
I don’t know about 
you, but I’d much 
rather have a bunch 
of hardworking drug 
smugglers and human 
traffickers importing 
much needed narcotics 
and cheep labor into 
my country than the 
hordes of pretentious, 
often ostentatious, 
liberals swarming into 
Canada or the army 
of entrepreneurial, 
decidedly libertarian, 
workaholics invading 
Mexico. 

 Just kidding....or not!

 

Mexico City’s La Prensa reported last week that 
Mexican immigration officials are alarmed about 
the thousands of Americans illegally entering their 
country each day, and have filed a formal complaint 
with U.S. ambassador.

 
Do not read 
“Manhood for 
Amateurs,” the 
bestseller by 
Michael Chabon. 
This series of 
articles subtitled 
‘The Pleasures and Regrets of a 
Husband, Father, and Son’ is just 
too wonderful. In this book, the 
son of Ukrainian Jews reviews 
various aspects of his life in the 
most interesting and colorful ways. 
He discusses his favorite baseball 
players, redefines Jewish myths, 
and delves into the inner lives of 
solitary boys like him, and like me. 
He discusses the secret meaning 
of baseball cards and meticulously 
analyses the relationship of a man 
to his wallet.

 All of these articles occur in the 
first third of the book, which is all 
I have been able to read. Every 
day I bring the book with me to 
Court and intend to read during 
the endless waiting periods or 
during my lunch. Every day I find 
something else to do and have not 
read a word in three weeks. This is 
in direct contrast to my most recent 
reading experience characterized 
by my obsessive compulsive non-
stop reading of the three Lisbeth 
Salander books by Stieg Larsen. 
You know, the “Girl Who Played 
with Fire” and its progeny. I could 
not stop reading these books and 
I love discussing them with other 
readers and agreeing that the books 
were not well-written. They had 
many holes and left the reader 
with many unanswered questions. 
Whatever happened to Lisbeth’s 
disappearing sister Camille?

 These books meant little to me, 
I felt superior to them, and yet I 
cherished every moment reading 
them. Just this moment I went to 
get the three books just to hold 
them and savor my reaction to 
them. Guess what? I can’t find 
the first book and even though it’s 
almost midnight I hear my wife 
mumble an annoyed “What are you 
looking for now?” “That Girl Who 
Played With Fire” book, I said. 
“Oh, I loaned the book to someone 
at work. I thought I mentioned it 
to you. Anyway you said you didn’t 
like the book that much.”

 Gone, the book with all my 
under linings and notes. Gone? 
Just because I said I didn’t like it. 
Why did she believe me? Why 
don’t I keep my big mouth shut? 
Didn’t she understand that the very 
deficits of this book, together with 
its tremendous readability, worked 
a kind of magic upon me? Reading 
those flawed books gave me 
hope-I, who cannot even punctuate 
correctly, could be a writer. I was 
energized and supported by these 
books. Not like “Manhood for 
Amateurs” which now sits unread 
beside me. One of the last stories 
I read in that book is entitled the 
“Splendors of Crap.” Yep, just the 
title tells the whole story. Glancing 
through the story now, I see 
underlined in his discussion of the 
powerful feeling accompanying 
crap books, or movies, or TV. 
“There was room for you and your 
imagination in the narrative map of 
the show”.(Page 80 of the book).

 That’s the problem with the 
whole book. It discusses everything 
so creatively, so intimately, so 
honestly. What is being described 
is a life so much like my very 
own that I now feel almost sinful 
trying to write anything myself. 
Why would anyone want to read 
anything written by me? Always 
awkwardly constructed, unfocused, 
and without real solutions. (I know 
this is a sentence fragment.).

 Finally, I begin to understand. 
This is the problem of modern-
life. We are exposed to so much 
that is good, even great, that much 
of our own motivation to create 
disappears. Why even try to 
compete? Why even go out of the 
house? Which way is the Matrix? 
Just hook me up to it and let me 
know when I’m dead, if you have 
the energy. Ready for a subject-
jump? This problem of maintaining 
motivation is probably what’s killing 
America. My Indian friend (like 
from India) who lives up the street 
and is a nuclear physicist, lectures 
me on how Social Security deprives 
individuals of the motivation to 
take care of themselves because they 
know someone else will provide the 
care. Families and marriages are 
pulled apart because people do not 
need one another. There are too 
many choices and too much ease.

 I know I could confront him 
by saying, “Do you think it’s a 
wonderful thing that people live 
in the street, diseased and covered 
with flies on their way to an early 
death?” Still, I understand his 
point. In my one little lifetime I 
have seen the change in America’s 
work-ethic and, compared to 
earlier generations, we all seem to 
believe that someone else will take 
care of us and that someone else 
will take care of the planet. Who 
knows? who cares? We are all too 
busy distracting ourselves with the 
usual nonsense. That’s the problem 
with the Michael Chabon Book. 
It doesn’t distract me. It demands 
that, if I am going to try and write 
anything or do anything, I do it 
seriously. It demands that I pay 
attention to what I am doing and 
notice how I am conducting my life. 
Now you know why you should not 
read this book and should instead 
read amateurish stuff like the stuff 
I produce. By the way, this is my 
145th published article. Let me 
know if you want to read any of 
the previous articles. As I have 
explained you might well find them 
inspiring. 

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor:

 This is in response to Mr. Hamilton's and Mr. Tolchin's columns, both of 
which fan the flames of class warfare. 

 

Mr. Hamilton has it right and wrong. He is right about the realities of today's 
Middle class, and their shrinking economic opportunities. But the causation 
is driven by a war on prosperity being waged by too many laws, too many 
taxes, and too much government which mate up with companies that cast off 
their American interests for those of a neutral international corporation. If 
you really want to bring those jobs back home, buy American. My wife and 
I drive a Ford and Chrysler, and seek-out (to no avail many times) American 
products. You don't put Americans back to work in meaningful jobs by 
government orders. Instead, you do it by looking at the labels. Do the math 
- if those of us who are still fully employed put serious pressure on commerce 
to produce goods here, would that not be a positive impact on the work force 
at all skill levels?

 

In response to Mr. Tolchin's shots at Tea Party, the words of Edmund Burke 
during the period of the Revolutionary War, capture the viewpoints of those 
who would have had that moniker then and their modern day versions.

 

"No body of men will be argued into slavery. Sir, let the gentlemen on the other 
side...tell me, what one character of liberty the Americans have, and what one 
brand of slavery they are free from, if they are bound in their property and 
industry by all the restraints you can imagine on commerce, and at the same 
time are made pack-horses of every tax you choose to impose, without the least 
share in granting them."

 

Guess I didn't realize I was a Tea Party member, until Mr. Tolchin's article 
made me come out of the closet. That's okay, as I'd rather live by Mr. Burke's 
description of an American, than by Marx's view of a citizen, "From each 
according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." It's okay for my 
religion to place these obligations on me, but not my government.

 

Val Usle, Sierra Madre

 

PS: 'THE SKY IS FALLING, EXTINCTION, Our poor planet is going to hell,' 
comments by Mr. Tolchin call-out for an intervention to relieve his stress over 
these matters, and I have one - a fat pill in the form of an apple fritter or maple 
buttermilk donut from Sierra Donuts. They aren't outlawed or punitively 
taxed yet, and you can still buy one of each without needing to register them.

 

Dear Editor:

 Re: 9/11 and the Myth of the "Outside Enemy"

I guess Hail you're saying, without saying, that the tragedy on 9/11 was part 
of a conspiracy hatched by the Bush administration. They must have moved 
quickly having only been in office for less than 8 months when 9/11 hit. I 
guess Hail forgot about the Embassy bombings, and the first World Trade 
Center bombings in the 1990's and the USS Cole bombing in 2000. Isn't it 
possible Hail, that, as a result of these attacks, the various agencies of the 
government charged with protecting this country had contingency plans in 
place ready to act? And yes, we know about Al Qaeda's relationship with the 
US. And that Saddam Hussein was an ally during the Iranian Conflict. And 
Stalin during World War II. We even helped the British in the French and 
Indian War. Politics and war make for strange bedfellows. And we know why 
and when Osama Bin Laden launched his crusade against us. When we had the 
audacity to set up operations in Saudi Arabia in 1991 during the first Gulf War. 
Remember, when we helped liberate one Muslim nation from the invasion of 
another muslim group? Pretty outragious allegations Hail. But then again, you 
really didn't speak it out. You just tried to lead us to the stream. 

Rich Johnson, Sierra Madre

STUART Tolchin ..........On LIFE 


Writing For Amateurs

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Dear Editor: Re: Taste of Sierra Madre

 Four months ago Tom Brady invited us to join him on a venture we never 
could have possibly envisioned. There were a handful of us who viewed the 
Rotoplast video of children who have cleft palates. This was very moving and 
how could you say no to such a worthwhile project. It was also very wise to 
share ••• of the proceeds for the youth in our own community.

For us, we met many individuals from the community who are either involved 
in an organization, church, school or are city officials. It is nice to know 
that we have many new friends both here in Sierra Madre and surrounding 
communities. Our hats off to all of these people who together made it happen!!! 

The youth were amazing!!! Talk about leadership, Sierra Madre is blessed. You 
should have seen them in action. The art work was phenomenal and the essays 
outstanding. 

This event would not have been possible without the support and participation 
of all of the merchants in Sierra Madre.

The support of the media, our own local newspapers, Mountain Views and 
Sierra Madre Weekly gave us countless of articles to help the citizens be 
informed.

Special thanks to Tom Brady for undertaking the leadership of such a 
worthwhile event. It is never easy and countless of hours are spent to make 
sure the event is a success. 

We are proud to say we live in Sierra Madre and am happy that we have the 
health to give back to our community.

Rosemarie & John Gorman

Mountain Views 
News

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