Mountain Views News          Saturday, May 14, 2016

B3

OPINION

 Mountain Views News Saturday, May 14, 2016 

Mountain 
Views

News

PUBLISHER/ EDITOR

Susan Henderson

CITY EDITOR

Dean Lee 

EAST VALLEY EDITOR

Joan Schmidt

BUSINESS EDITOR

LaQuetta Shamblee

PRODUCTION

Richard Garcia

SALES

Patricia Colonello

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John Aveny 

CONTRIBUTORS

Chris Leclerc

Bob Eklund

Howard Hays

Paul Carpenter

Kim Clymer-Kelley

Christopher Nyerges

Peter Dills 

Dr. Tina Paul

Rich Johnson

Merri Jill Finstrom

Lori Koop

Rev. James Snyder

Tina Paul

Mary Carney

Katie Hopkins

Deanne Davis

Despina Arouzman

Greg Welborn

Renee Quenell

Ben Show

Sean Kayden

Marc Garlett

Pat Birdsall (retired)

 RAGING MODERATE by WILL Durst 

 TYRADES by DANNY Tyree


SHOULD CORPORATIONS 

SPONSOR NATIONAL PARKS?

THE UGLY, UGLY 

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN


Oh dear. Not 
pretty. The 
upcoming 
presidential 
campaign 
is ugly now 
and destined 
to ratchet 
up to epic uglier as soon as Bernie 
Sanders decides to bow out. Which 
is imminent. Not soon enough for 
Hillary Clinton, but not long.

 The Vermont Senator has turned 
into that drunken cousin who hasn’t 
noticed he’s been the last guest for 
over an hour, cracking open another 
beer while threatening to put his 
cigarette out in the kids’ wading pool. 
Starting to channel Hotel California. 
“You can check in any time you like, 
but you can never leave.”

 How ugly will the race get? Think 
randomly-shaved, rat-terrier with a 
fourth premolar infection, mange and 
a lazy eye… ugly. Naked Sumo mud-
wrestling ugly. If this campaign were 
a baby, you’d have to tie pork chops 
to its ears to get the dog to play with 
it. Even the rat-terrier of which earlier 
we spoke.

 The hard part is the timing on 
both sides. Has the public had its fill 
of Hillary bashing? She’s been taking 
the hits and shaking them off since 
first becoming a mote in the national 
public eye back in 1991.

 You remember what Republicans 
said about Hillary? “She’s a liar, a 
thief, a lesbian. She cheated widows 
and orphans and murdered Vince 
Foster. With her bare hands. And then 
ate him.” And that’s when she was 
First Lady.

 Now, as opposition nominee, the 
kid gloves are coming off. “Alien Space 
Queen Vampire: here to suck dry our 
precious bodily fluids. Originally the 
Clintons had 3 children but sold two 
to a Bangkok brothel. To which Bill 
makes twice yearly visits.”

 On the other side, if you don’t 
think the Clinton Machine has had at 
least a dozen investigators devoted to 
opposition research for months, you 
are probably extremely confused by 
the dampness on days when it rains. 
They undoubtedly have dug so deep, 
they know which way Trump’s small 
intestine turns, 30 feet in.

In his patented gracious style, Trump 
christened his upcoming opponent, 
“Crooked Hillary,” and that’s the 
tame end of the ugly stick. He calls it 
counter punching, but flick him with 
a fly swatter and he’ll drop your with 
an elephant gun. Ask any elephant.

 The Aerodynamic Coif responded 
to accusations of his own randy 
behavior by calling Hillary an enabler 
of Bill’s infidelities. But he needs 
to tread carefully or risk sharing a 
crying towel with her 2000 US Senate 
opponent, Rick Lazio. Who? Exactly. 

 There’s two ways of looking at it. 
Either Hillary has more baggage than 
the first United flight out of O’Hare 
after a freak spring blizzard, or there’s 
no meat left on her scandal bone. Like 
a single sardine tossed over a stone-
wall into a cat sanctuary.

 And conversely, it should be fairly 
easy to uncover evidence of the 
Donald’s extra-marital shenanigans 
and voluminous shady deals and 
suspicious deaths of folks who 
opposed him. Oh, come on. We’ve all 
seen Law & Order: there’s a New York 
developer knocking off enemies and 
depositing them in the foundations 
of soon-to-be-erected condominiums 
every other episode. 

 The only difference is, with Trump’s 
supporters, that’s not necessarily a 
negative. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 Will Durst is an award-winning, 
nationally acclaimed columnist, 
comedian and former Pizza Hut 
assistant manager. For sample videos 
and a calendar of personal appearances 
including his new one- man show, 
Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every 
Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh, 
go to willdurst.com.

Whether I was a preschooler hiking in the Great Smoky 
Mountains National Park, a young adult spelunking in 
Kentucky’s Mammoth Cave or a father introducing his 
son to Shiloh National Military Park, I always felt I could 
enjoy America’s treasures without too much intrusion from 
Madison Avenue.

 According to the Washington Post, things are about to 
change.

 Facing an $11 billion backlog in unfunded maintenance projects, the National 
Park Service is tinkering with the definition of philanthropy. They’re granting 
corporate sponsors the opportunity to prominently display logos and gain limited 
naming rights at the nation’s 411 national parks, monuments and conservation 
areas.

 You say you want to know why Congress hasn’t come to the rescue? Hey, those 
humanitarian snowplows for Tahiti’s national monuments don’t come cheap, pal. 
And it’s not that congressmen don’t have national treasures on the brain. Or is it 
they have a Grand Canyon between their ears? Something like that.

 Observers fear that corporate sponsorship/meddling will ruin the beauty, 
simplicity and tranquility of our parks. The rules as written do not allow any actual 
advertising or marketing slogans, but watch for such blemishes to creep in. Old 
Faithful geyser would seem an irresistible icon for the Acme Bidet Company. 
Out west, campaigns will proclaim, “Home, home on the range, where the deer 
and the antelope play…Laser Tag!” War of 1812 buffs should not be surprised if 
loudspeakers at Fort McHenry blare, “Oh, say can you see…who’s behind those 
Foster Grants?”

 Don’t get me started on the sleazy advertising possibilities for Valley Forge. 
(“The Father of Our Country…on dollar bills. Dollar bills…in G-strings. What 
could be more natural?”)

 Other concerned citizens worry more that park managers will be devoting 
too much of their time to fundraising. I can just imagine park rangers using a 
tranquilizer gun on a potential sponsor. (“Now, now – slow down and let’s talk this 
over before you give all your money to PBS.”)

 Yes, park officials will be tempted to give up on studying the mating rituals of 
migratory birds and start studying the mating rituals of CEOs. (“Couldn’t help but 
notice you and the showgirl getting out of Motel 6. Perhaps for a small donation 
this photo could disappear before it reaches your wife…”)

 Park Service officials hope corporate sponsorships will help attract a younger, 
more ethnically diverse class of tourists. Right. (“Shoot! My posse and I were 
planning a road trip to the all-star hip-hop festival, but if a company that has been 
cranking out consumer goods for a century and a half is interested in the Rosie the 
Riveter historical park, it just HAS to be cool!”)

 Maybe instead of accepting corporate tie-ins, we could redesign some of the 
sites to attract millennials. Instead of Lincoln’s childhood home, we could have 
Lincoln’s Parents’ Basement He Had To Crash In While Paying Off Student Loans.

 There will be tremendous pressure on both park officials and corporate executives 
to strike the best deals. And there will be mistakes.

 “Johnson, I expected our huge investment to get us the naming rights for the 
Coke Amphitheater and Coke Zero Amphitheater.”

 “Well, yes, but…”

 “And you got us the Emma Amphitheater and the Noah Amphitheater????”

 “But they’re both such POPULAR names. I couldn’t resist…”

 “We’re reassigning you to the Siberian territory. Just keep your nose to the 
grindstone and don’t mess with the U.S.-supplied humanitarian beach blankets.”

 Danny welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook 
fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades”. 

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LEFT TURN/RIGHT TURN 

HOWARD Hays As I See It

 Making Sense by MICHAEL Reagan


“It’s not just me saying this 
– it’s in a book!”

- Donald Trump

I don’t recall exactly 
what it was Trump had 
been talking about, but 
he held up a book in his 
hand for emphasis after 
making what seemed 
another wildly off-the-
mark statement at a rally 
celebrating becoming his 
party’s presumptive nominee. I do recall what 
he didn’t say; he didn’t mention the title of the 
book, nor its author. I also recall imagining what 
the reaction might be had any other candidate 
made a similar remark. It would be like insisting, 
“Sure, it’s true – I saw it on the internet!” 

 On his HBO show last week, Bill Maher 
took flak from one of those right-wing arbiters 
of “political correctness” when he referred to 
supporters of Donald Trump as “rubes”. A 
candidate’s referring to refugees as terrorists and 
immigrants as rapists was okay. But Maher’s 
calling the Trump base “rubes” somehow 
crossed a line.

 It’s a derogatory term – describing someone 
as “naïve or unsophisticated” and “not used to 
city ways”. I might throw in “gullible”, but that 
applies to too many Americans. A couple years 
ago, the National Science Foundation found that 
one in four of us believes the sun orbits the earth. 
This was pretty much settled by Copernicus 
some five hundred years ago. More recently, 
150 years ago, Charles Darwin formalized the 
science of evolution. Still, more than half of us 
still haven’t picked up on it – with only 48% 
polled accepting the science (with Asians and 
Europeans, of course, coming in higher).

 There’s a partisan difference – with 
Democrats consistently scoring higher than 
Republicans on such topics as evolution and 
the science of climate change. It’s true for other 
subjects, as well. Though 70% of Americans 
believe deficits have increased under President 
Obama, Democrats are much more likely 
than Republicans to know that the opposite is 
true; with deficits in fact having shrunk every 
year since 2009 – in the fastest drop since the 
end of WWII. Republicans are more apt to 
believe immigration has been increasing and 
deportations slackening – with Democrats 
more likely to know the reverse is true on both 
counts.

 A recent HuffPost/YouGov poll illustrated 
the partisanship by asking a series of identical 
questions in two different ways. They asked 
Republicans, for instance, whether their own 
financial situation had gotten worse “compared 
to the year 2008” and again “compared to when 
President Obama was first elected”. Less than 
half, 44%, thought it had gotten worse since 
2008, while nearly two-thirds, 63%, thought it 
had when “compared to when President Obama 
was first elected.”

 There’s been a lot made of a “divided” 
Republican Party heading into July’s convention. 
Actually, the base (I won’t say “rubes”), or some 
75% of them, have coalesced around Trump. 
It’s the “establishment” that’s having fits. 
House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI), is the most 
prominent among many who won’t disown 
Trump, but say they’re “not ready” to support 
him.

 These are presumably better-educated people 
who take government seriously; and (hopefully) 
would not rely solely on what’s in “a book” or on 
the internet to form policy. They’re up against a 
rank-and-file of their party, however, for whom 
Trump’s merely saying so is good enough.

 The overgrown frat-boy might have an appeal, 
but his statements on policy matters can be 
alarming – especially in light of those followers 
who say they like Trump most because he “tells 
it like it is”. The Washington Post recently 
compiled a list of such statements for which it 
awarded the full “four Pinocchios”:

 Trump claimed the “real” unemployment 
rate is 42%, rather than around 5%. To come 
up with that figure, he included all who simply 
aren’t working – retirees, stay-at-home parents, 
etc.

 Trump insisted his tax plan is “going to 
cost me a fortune”. Actually, it would bring 
substantial tax cuts for himself (he claims $614 
million income for 2014) and his heirs.

 Trump repeatedly claims President Obama 
wants to bring in 200,000 Syrian refugees into 
the country (sometimes upping it to 250,000). 
Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina put the number at 
100,000. The actual figure is 10,000.

 Trump claimed the 9/11 hijackers sent their 
wives home before the attacks, and they knew 
“exactly what was going to happen”. The 
9/11 Commission reported the hijackers were 
unmarried.

 Trump claimed “we’re funding 72, 73 percent 
of NATO”. The actual figure is around 22%.

 Trump claimed that allowing Medicare to 
negotiate with drug companies would save the 
program $300 billion a year. A great idea, but 
Medicare only spends $78 billion a year on 
prescription drugs.

 After Trump claimed in a debate that Trump 
University had received an “A” from the Better 
Business Bureau, the BBB responded that the 
actual grade was “D --“.

 Trump claims his business empire grew 
from a $1 million loan from his father. The 
Post reports a $40 million inheritance, with 
numerous “lucrative” trusts set up by his dad to 
ensure a steady income.

 Trump claimed he could eliminate our $19 
trillion debt in eight years. The Post reports 
that even if he “eliminated every government 
function and shut down every Cabinet agency, 
he’d still be $16 trillion short”.

 Then there’s his suggestion for dealing with 
our national debt; negotiating with creditors 
to buy it back at a discount. This sometimes 
works for big business, but the fall of the dollar 
from its post as the world’s most stable and 
safest currency would have unimaginable 
consequences not only for our own economy, 
but for the world’s.

 It’s been fun, but now it’s time to get down 
to the serious business of selecting a president. 
The reality show aspect was made for TV, 
but it’s now time for the media (not just the 
Washington Post) to truly “tell it like it is”. If 
we don’t, the consequences for ourselves and 
future generations could be disastrous. You can 
find that in a book – most any with the word 
“history” in the title

TRUMP STILL NEEDS THE GOP

It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry too if it happened to you

I don’t know if the late Lesley Gore was a Republican or a 
Democrat.

 But after what’s happened in the last year, the Republican 
National Committee ought to license her 1963 hit for its 
theme song.

 I know a lot of conservatives who’d sing along with “It’s My Party” – many with 
tears in their eyes. 

 

 As I’ve said, like it or not, the Republican Party is no longer the Party of Lincoln 
or Reagan. It’s the Party of Donald J. Trump – for the next six months, at least.

 If Republicans stand the slightest chance of winning back the White House and 
holding on to Congress this fall, and they still do, it’s all up to Trump.

He’s the one who spent the last year smashing the GOP platform into splinters with 
his pseudo Republican positions and promises.

 He’s the bigmouth who threw schoolyard insults at the lineup of Republican 
primary losers whose help he now desperately needs.

Trump is the only one who can put the Party of Humpty Dumpty back together 
again, the only one who can save the country from four years of “Corrupt Hillary” 
and her tiresome old man.

 Trump thinks he can win the general election without the help of the GOP 
establishment or his primary victims, but he can’t.

 Defeating the GOP’s bloated all-star team in the primary without anyone’s help 
was one thing. Winning the general election will be a lot different and a lot harder.

This fall Trump is going to need the blood, sweat and tears of every politician and 
voter in America with an “R” after his or her name. 

 He’s the new leader of the Republican Party, whether he or Mitt Romney likes it 
or not.

 He’s got to man up, put a choke leash on his ego and begin talking and acting like 
a future president.

 His first important job, which I hope started Thursday with his meet-up with 
House Speak Paul Ryan, is to patch up his relations with all those fellow Republicans 
he had so much fun offending and discrediting.

 Yes, Donald, that means reaching out to “Lying Ted’s” people, “Little Marco’s” 
people “Lazy Jeb’s” people and even “Loser Mitt’s” people.

 It means at least making the effort – in public or in private -- to say whatever 
needs to be said to the Bush family and everyone else to get them on board the 
2016 Trump Train – even if they’re just passengers.

 Ditto for Lindsay Graham and everyone else in the Never Trump camp who said 
they’d rather take poison than support the billionaire populist.

 It’s pretty simple.

 Trump needs Cruz’s people, Rubio’s people, Mitt’s people and every other elected 
Republican’s people to show up at the polls in November and vote for him.

But for that to happen Trump has to figure out how to get humble real fast. He has 
to apologize and sweet talk everyone from Cruz and Rubio to George W. Bush’s 
favorite hunting dog.Trump’s the one who broke the GOP. He’s the only one who 
can put it back together again.

 If he can’t do it soon – like yesterday – millions of Republicans are going stay 
home again this fall and Hillary will start shopping for Supreme Court Justices. 

Then you’ll really hear some crying at what’s left of my father’s party.

 Michael Reagan is the son of President Ronald Reagan, a political consultant, and 
the author of “The New Reagan Revolution” (St. Martin’s Press). He is the founder of 
the email service reagan.com and president of The Reagan Legacy Foundation. Visit 
his websites at www.reagan.com and www.michaelereagan.com. Send comments to 
Reagan@caglecartoons.com. Follow @reaganworld on Twitter. 

 


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